Happy Birthday ESP!

I'm sorry, but the cake is supposed to say, "Fat Bitch."

Hello again, gentle reader! It sure has been awhile since we’ve last talked. I have to admit, the future of ESP was looking grim. This recent hiatus is due to my debates over the future of this blog. With such low readership, it didn’t seem like all the effort was worthwhile. I think some of my reservations were due to the depressing fact that I am still employed at Telescreen after a year. As my faithful ESP copy editor MC W-Slang put it, “You should be proud you’re still alive after a year!” I guess I should be glad I haven’t jumped off a fucking bridge…yet. So I decided to dry my fucking tears and man up. I have made a great deal of effort to covertly draft and log all my encounters with idiots over the phone and the questionable business practices within Telescreen. There’s no way I can go without sharing these stories. People are just too fucking stupid to get away scot-free. So now that I’m done being a lazy son-of-a-bitch, let’s review the last year of ESP, and look ahead to the future. (Cue sci-fi music…)

The last year saw around 2,200 views of the blog. I’m not sure if that’s a lot or not, I really don’t know shit about blogging, I just write stories about stupid fucking people. Most of my visitors were from the great US and A, but apparently I did have quite a few visitors from Indonesia and Brazil. Why the fuck a bunch of people from Indonesia and Brazil enjoy reading ESP is beyond me.

ESP grew from a small contingent of subscribers that I knew personally, to a slightly larger group of 23 subscribers. As any good business operates, I would like to thank my subscribers for their loyalty. Below I have included a printable version of a Little Caesars coupon for a “Crazy Combo,” whatever the fuck that is. Good luck finding a Little Caesars. The last one I saw was in a Kmart, just to show you what quality we’re looking at here. The coupon also expires on 03/31/12, so if you don’t use it within the next 10 days, you may have to barter with the acne-covered high school student behind the counter. You are very welcome!

For ESP subscribers only!

Over the past year, we’ve met lots of extremely stupid people. We’ve encountered rednecks, yelling assholes, confused old farts, and lots of absolute fucking morons. We’ve learned that Winston won’t hold back when he mocks these assholes. Just wait for the post, “Winston Ridicules A Stroke Victim.” We also know Winston uses a fair amount of profanity, which even made his dear mother ask, “Do you have to cuss so much?” Why yes, yes I do, not out of desire, but out of necessity.

So where is ESP headed? More readers, more posts, more laughs, and more stupid. How’s that for a makeshift slogan? I’m going to commit to generate more traffic and post more stories. Not too many though, no one likes having their email bombarded. Tell that to any company that has a marketing list. Assholes.

We’re looking at some important new pages getting added to the blog. I will soon have a how-to guide, showing you how to manipulate the customer service system. Yes, it is possible to get what you want from a customer service agent without being an asshole. I will also include an IQ test to pin you against the ESP geniuses. Something tells me it won’t be difficult to score a 100. Last, I’ll be putting up a tips and tricks page, which will go in conjunction with the how-to guide. You have to remember that I work in Super Department, and I know every facet of the call center. I will be more than happy to spill all the secrets of Telescreen Inc.

The change I’m most excited about is the inclusion of…get ready…audio! What’s better than having the ESP stories conveniently placed in sound files for you? Nothing, that’s what. No more reading through posts in your email, just hit play, sit back, and ponder at the intelligence of the human race.

This will be the 38th post for ESP and certainly won’t be the last. I’ll kick up the frequency of posts and keep them coming for years to come. Now I’ll leave you with a little WTF…

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Each online account has a security question if a customer forgets their password. I was helping a customer access their online account and prompted them for the security question.

Winston: What is the city of your birth?

Customer: Heaven.

I looked over the security question and sure enough, Heaven was the answer. I’m not sure if Heaven actually exists, or if it would even be considered a city, but after talking with the customer for awhile, they were pretty fucking stupid for being born in Heaven.

Help me spread ESP to the masses in 2012! Share these blog posts (if you have a computer,) give your friends the address (if you have friends,) and send me your posts, questions, and stories (if you are creative.)

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2 thoughts on “Happy Birthday ESP!

  1. Here, I will not be an ESP, and I will put my name on your follower roster. My favorite ESP story from my days in sales (you’ll like it, too): a customer returned a slow cooker. Wondering why she would return it, b/c really what can go wrong with a slow cooker, I asked her about it. Her response: “I made a pot roast in it and it took four hours.” I looked at the box in front of us that was clearly labeled SLOW COOKER, but I didn’t say anything lest I made her feel that she was the ESP she proved to be.

    Great post! Do you keep a bottle of vodka in your desk?

    • Haha that’s as hilarious as it is pathetic. Good call on not mentioning that the slow cooker isn’t known for its speed. I’ve found most ESPs are quite defensive about their lack of intelligence.

      No vodka on my sad looking cubicle yet, but I actually think a bong might be the best answer.

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