The Hot Dog Eating Contest

Is that giant hot dog flipping me off?

Some companies support a healthy lifestyle by promoting outdoor activities or a discount for a fitness club membership. It’s no surprise that Telescreen doesn’t support a fucking thing that would benefit the employees. Maybe they’re worried that the costs would be too high because an insanely high percentage of the employees are obese. I’m not talking about fat, overweight, or large, I’m talking about obese. Surprisingly, I’m not trying to be an asshole, it’s just a fact. Here are some examples: The common substitute for business casual is sweatpants. Who can tell the difference between nice black pants and well ironed sweatpants? An employee in my department has a bunch of Wendy’s ads displayed in her cubicle. Quite a few of the folks here even have trouble walking and must waddle like penguins. The cafeteria features such delicacies as dirty ass fried…everything.

Someone in HR took notice of this trend and decided it would be far too difficult to help these people, so instead the company would celebrate their large lifestyle. The hot dog eating contest was born.

Emails were sent out inviting participants, warning of the date, and hyping up the excitement. Since I didn’t give two shits, nor should I have given two shits, I completely forgot about the stupid little event. I was eating lunch one day, reveling in the fact that I didn’t have to talk to idiots for 30 minutes, when I noticed some moron attempting to setup speakers. Everyone loves a good DJ, but this guy looked like he belonged in a Star Trek fan club. He got his speakers set up and started playing some crappy Top 40 music. He grabbed the mic and tried to hype up the empty atrium for the hot dog eating contest. Yeah right pal, like you’re gonna tear people away from their chicken fingers to watch some fat assholes eat. Oh how wrong I was.

I stopped taking notice of the DJ’s rambling and focused back on Words With Friends. After about five minutes, I looked up, and noticed a huge crowd had gathered around the DJ. A table was setup with about five seats and a bunch of boxes were armed with hot dogs. Since I know Telescreen doesn’t support anything for the employees, I can only assume that someone from HR pretended they were from an orphanage and convinced the local grocery store to donate all the food.

Once the time came, the crowd was immense and the atrium was all abuzz. The fatties that had been picked on their whole lives finally had a chance to reach glory. The DJ yelled and the starting bell rang. The tubbies dove into the hot dogs on the table faster than you could say, “Pepto Bismol.” I have seen some pretty revolting things in my life, like that guy Lady Gaga, but I have to say watching these obese folk shovel hot dogs in their mouths nearly made me ralph.

Because of this, I decided it was time to head back and start talking to morons again. As I got to my desk and put my headset on, a buzzer went off, and the crowd went wild. I looked over toward the atrium to see some chubby guy dancing around like he just got called up on The Price Is Right. Apparently this was the highlight of his life.

The next day, there was a big email about the hot dog contest, with plenty of pictures showing the fatties shoveling food in their mouths and the dancing champion. The end of the email highlighted his prize: A highly coveted reserved parking spot. Not only will the champ get fatter because of this, but everyday when he gets to work, he’ll think he’s the coolest mother fucker around. Sorry pal, but you’re still another poor asshole working at Telescreen, you just happen to eat hot dogs really fucking fast.

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