I have special folder on my work computer where I save all of my bullshit emails. Not surprisingly, I’ve amassed quite a few. The most recent one came from a supervisor in an attempt to make us care more about our customers. Let’s establish one already well-known fact: I don’t give a fuck about any of the customers, mainly because they’re all morons. Our bosses must recognize this and want to establish a sense of caring amongst the agents. How exactly are we supposed to care about customers when they’re calling about something as unimportant as TV? I mean really, it’s just fucking TV. Or maybe not. The title of this stupid email was, “Is It Just TV?” Here are the main points outlined in the email:
For the mother who has a child in the Army overseas and it’s her only way to stay informed, is it just TV?
Um, yeah. She’s a dumb redneck that watches Fox News, and anyone who knows anything can tell you that’s not going to inform her about anything worthwhile.
For the sports fanatic that can’t go to the stadium to watch the big game, is it just TV?
Um, yeah. The fact that he’s too poor to make it to the game doesn’t excuse him from calling his TV provider to bitch and moan about signal loss. Not only is it just TV, but it’s just a Nascar race. You can see the same shit staring at the cars on the interstate, dumbass.
For the sweet elderly woman who watches her favorite Soap Opera because she can’t make it out of her home, is it just TV?
Um, yeah. Just because she can’t figure out how to turn on her TV to spend her children’s inheritance on informercials doesn’t mean I should give two shits. She’s also not sweet, she’s senile. There’s a big difference.
For the dying cancer patient who gets comfort out of his favorite comedy shows, is it just TV?
Um, yeah. Richard Pryor is awesome, but he’s not Jesus, and watching his stand-up won’t cure goddamn cancer.
For the mother with four kids who just needs a quick break from all the stress, is it just TV?
Um, yeah. Tell her to quit having fucking kids and maybe life will get easier. What is she, Mormon? Cap the kids at two please.
For the family who can no longer afford to go out since the father lost his job, is it just TV?
Um, yeah. Tell him to apply for a job at Telescreen Inc. Those dumb fuckers are always hiring. I wonder why the turnover rate is so high?
The email then goes into detail about how important our job is because TV is such a vital method of communication. Um, no. TV is for bullshit like American Idol, that’s not communication, that’s a waste of brain cells. The bullshit continued by explaining that a customer isn’t just a number, but a life that should be valued. Well I guess I don’t value customers or bullshit emails, because this one is going in the trash right…now.
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