ESP New Year’s Resolutions 2012

Is it César Chávez Day yet?

2012 is now upon us, gentle reader. Everyone rides the New Year’s resolution train for about a month, making sure to stick to their resolutions for, well, about a month. The gym is twice as crowded as normal. The self-help section of the bookstore is empty. The organic food is suddenly sparse in the grocery store.

In thinking of resolutions, I couldn’t help but make some for my extremely stupid friends:

Angry Assholes: I resolve not to get so worked up this year over things that don’t matter. This list includes television service. If my bill is four dollars more than normal, I won’t call in, demand a supervisor, and scream and curse at the poor son-of-a-bitch (Winston) on the other end of the phone. I will realize that such behavior is not generally accepted in normal society. I wouldn’t scream and yell at a librarian in the middle of the fucking library. Oh wait, I did that last week. That’s why I’m a piece of shit. Well, I guess I have my work cut out for me this year!

Irate Indians: I get extremely pissed about everything. I mean everything. I yell at every customer service rep I speak to, but since they can’t understand a fucking word I’m saying, I guess they really aren’t listening. I resolve to quit this dumbass behavior to spare the poor customer service reps on the other line. No need to add English classes to the list, I still want to spare everyone from actually understanding what I’m saying.

Clueless & Elderly: I am old and senile. I shouldn’t leave the house, talk to people, or have some fancy ass TV service. I resolve not to exert myself beyond my comprehension, which means anything more complicated than opening a jug of prune juice. That includes calling my TV service provider and asking how to turn the god damn thing on (by pressing the fucking “on” button).

Jive Talkin’: I get so angry with about damn near everything, or at least it seems that way, because I’m always yelling. I resolve to continue this type of behavior because it’s god damn hilarious. That’s why Maury is such a great show.

Dirty Rednecks: I am the worst type of person. I drive a 30-year-old American truck and I’m proud of it. Dressing up means putting jeans over sweatpants and a sleeveless plaid shirt over a wife-beater. I call smart people Yankees and think Ronald Reagan is the American Jesus. I have a few priorities in life like my TV service, which I expect to have every single channel and every single TV in my trailer running for $5 per month. Since I can’t understand things, I call my TV service provider to complain. I resolve to think before I complain about things I can’t understand, and since I can’t understand a fucking thing, I guess I’ll just have to stay in my trailer all day long, which in turn will make the world a better place.

Extremely Stupid: I understand that I am a majority population far outnumbering intelligent people. I don’t understand basic things like simple multiplication or how to write my name in cursive. Since there are so many morons like me, this stupid behavior is tolerated, maybe even embraced. I resolve to quit being so fucking stupid. Instead of trying to figure out how to turn the volume up and down on my TV for an hour, I will read a fucking book. Or learn how to read a book.

Winston: Get a new fucking job, duh.

One thought on “ESP New Year’s Resolutions 2012

  1. “Ronald Reagan is the American Jesus” is hilarious! I also would add that Bush Jr. is their Oprah. 🙂

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