Merry Christmas from all of us at ESP! Let me be politically correct: Happy Holidays. Actually, let me be politically incorrect: Happy Bday Jesus. I hope you all enjoy a relaxing weekend with family and friends. Let me fill you in on how we celebrated Christmas over at Telescreen…
The Christmas festivities started at the top of the month with our resident festive coordinator Chad. If you remember, this was the same supervisor that deemed himself the King of Halloween a couple months back. He is very flamboyantly gay and gets way too fucking excited about any holiday. He was now calling himself the Head Elf and spent the entire month dressing up in holiday garb. All his emails were written in green and red, even official ones, with the signature of the Head Elf. They all were immediately placed in the trash, mainly because I didn’t give a fuck about bullshit like cookie exchanges.
Chad took it upon himself to decorate our call center with a small selection of garland and lights. This time he didn’t have the help of the Arts and Crafts Committee, so the decorations were not very extravagant. Once he was all done, the place still looked like the same bleak shithole two blocks from the gates of Hell.
Now most companies have a Holiday Party to celebrate the end of the year and reward the employees for their hard work. No surprise that shit like that doesn’t happen for low level Telescreen employees. They make us fucking work over the holidays. Fortunately for me, I have Sundays off, but for everyone else, they were a little fucked.
I asked my boss what he was doing for Christmas. “Working.” I asked one of my friends what they were doing for Christmas. “Working.” Well ho fucking ho. Now I don’t know how Big Brother runs a company, but Winston Von Stupid and Associates would be closed on Christmas. If someone needed something on a holiday, they could promptly go fuck themselves. You’re not going to lose customers if you shut down on a holiday, that’s how shit works. But hey, I’m just a lowly customer service rep, I don’t make decisions. Let me rephrase that: I’m not a fucking braindead moron, so I don’t make the decisions at Telescreen.
What else did they do for Christmas? One of the supervisors bought all of her friendly cohorts santa hats at the dollar store. So now we had management and the supervisors going about business with goddamn santa hats. Nothing makes me respect my superiors more than seeing them look like fucking morons.
On the 23rd, our manager decided to dress up like santa and dance all around the call center. He even got up on the edge of the staircase and started Tebowing. Yes, this happened. Yes this was while at work. And yes, that is our head boss, the fucking manager. Then he handed out presents to stellar employees. As you can probably assume, I’m not a “stellar” employee, so I didn’t get a present. I sure am sad I didn’t get a $5 gift card to Walmart, enough to buy me a camo hat or a Steven Seagal DVD.
The supervisors all got gifts, which was so nice of management to provide. They all got pretty bottles with ribbons on them of…sparkling cider. What the fuck? Are they in elementary school and sitting at the kids table for Christmas dinner? Jesus Christ.
When Christmas Eve rolled around, I unfortunately had to drag my sorry ass into work. The day commenced as normal, minus the TVs playing Country Christmas Music and the leftovers from the cookie exchange. It was pretty dead minus a small influx of angry assholes, so I had lots of spare time to catch up on some reading. While reading as covertly as possible, since of course we’re not supposed to read anything while at work, the dumbass Tebowing manager swung by my desk and dropped a card in my hands. He then turned around and said, “Don’t get too excited, there’s no money in there!” I muttered a meek “thanks” and looked at a crumpled holiday card signed by the boss. It really looked like someone sat on it, so I’ll call it an Ass Card.
The gift giving didn’t stop there. Because we were so dead in the afternoon, they were letting people go early. The 1:30 crew left two hours early, the 2:00 crew left and hour early, and a half hour before my shift was supposed to end, they announced the 3:00 crew could leave. I signed off of my computer, got up, began putting on my coat, and then my supervisor came running over. “Winston! Get back to work! That leave early announcement wasn’t approved, they’re letting the other call center go instead. Get back on your computer right now!” So I got back on my computer and stared at the screen for another 25 minutes. Horay!
I was lucky enough to get the day after Christmas off, which is extremely rare, since a holiday off at Telescreen is as rare as speedy Subaru driver. Unfortunately for me, that day off won’t last too long, because I have to then come in on my regularly scheduled day off later in the week because of a “high projected call volume.”
In short, thanks Telescreen for giving me the gift of dumbass emails, pointless cookie exchanges, idiotic supervisors, a retarded manager, a crumpled ass card, a fake announcement to leave early, and a not-so-day-off work. For the rest of you though, I hope your Christmas is merry and filled with lots of intelligence. Share a good book, do a crossword puzzle, or watch a documentary, but please, don’t call your media company if the TV goes out.