I’m The King Of Halloween!

On Halloween, it's okay for kids to play with knives

Halloween came once again last week. It was a day for kids to stroll the neighborhood in search of free shit. It was a day for adults to send their kids into the neighborhood to knock on stranger’s doors. It was a day for young adults to get drunk and make bad decisions. And it was a day full of excitement at Telescreen Inc.

Why they would choose Halloween as the one day for fun and celebration at work is beyond me. I think it has something to do with the fact that Telescreen is Hell on Earth, or something like that. The original idea was to have a big decorating competition between all the different departments. It would be Super Department, Residential, Commercial, and Sales all competing for…nothing. There wasn’t going to be any prize, just “bragging rights.” Let me think about that. “Hey John, my department out-decorated you on Halloween, so go fuck yourself!” No, that doesn’t sound right. I immediately put the Halloween decorating contest in the category of “Don’t Fucking Care.”

Emails were promptly sent out by the head decorator in Super Department. His name is Chad, one of the many supervisors, and not surprisingly, he’s very gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. All of his emails that were sent department wide were signed, “The King Of Halloween.” All of his emails that were sent to me were promptly placed where they belonged: in the fucking trash.

Chad was calling on as many volunteers as he could get to help decorate. Due to the fact that decorating our shit call center sounded lame and terrible, I didn’t volunteer. It wasn’t until later that I realized I could be playing arts and crafts instead of listening to stupid people bitch and moan. Epic fail.

Super Department slowly turned from its normal look as a prison into a recreation of some zombie movie. As Halloween approached, the decorators were getting busier and busier. On the last day before Halloween, Chad was getting really into it, and started floating around the desks, singing, “I’m the king of Halloween! I’m the king of Halloween!” All this was taking place while I was getting bitched out by dumb assholes.

When the day finally came, our department was fully transformed. I was very impressed knowing that Arts and Crafts Committee had very limited resources. Less impressive was the fact that I was surrounded by all my coworkers dressed in elaborate zombie costumes. I didn’t choose to dress up for Halloween because I was at work and not my 3rd grade classroom. It’s hard to fathom how ridiculous a zombie clown looks arguing with some idiot on the phone. If Cletus only knew he was complaining about his bill to some asshole dressed like a fucking zombie.

The day continued as normal, minus the zombie coworkers, until the directors of the departments all walked around to judge the decorations. The Arts and Crafts Committee all got together in the hallway to perform a zombie dance. Yes, this really happened. It was about as terrible as expected, just mix the Thriller dance with someone having a stroke.

Then came the kids. Our department donated a ton of candy to have kids come trick or treat. I know you aren’t surprised to hear that I donated jack shit. It’s not that I don’t care about the impoverished children of my coworkers, I just don’t support the lack of nutrition that comes with candy consumption. A whole maze was set up leading kids and their parents through the call center. The kids weaved their way in and out of our cubicles, stopping at certain decorations and candy stations. All the while, certain volunteers in the Arts and Crafts Committee were handing out candy. I don’t know about you, but if my parents took me to a fucking call center for Halloween, I would have been pretty pissed off.

Being the sweat shop that it is, Telescreen made sure we were all busy answering phones during all the festivities. It was quite the sight seeing the zombie clad coworkers, smiling and handing out candy, while at the same time, arguing with extremely stupid people. All the customers I was speaking with were complaining about the background noise, probably because there were 100 screaming kids in our department. It was like a mixture of an office building, a Toys R Us, a haunted house, and a Walmart. It was just fucking terrible. When four o’clock came around, I was out of there quicker than you could say, “This is fucking stupid, get the fuck out of there.”

I found out that Super Department won the decorating contest. All the hard work the Arts and Craft Committee put in for one measly company-wide email. The next day, the call center looked just the way it always looked: like an office building on the East end of Hell. Why did they even bother decorating in the first place?


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