During my unfortunate tenure at Telescreen, I have been introduced to many forms of proper phone etiquette. I thought I knew how to answer the phone properly with a simple, “Hello.” Apparently there are many more creative ways to greet someone on the phone. Here are some examples:
Winston: “Thanks for calling Telescreen, my name is Winston Von Stupid, how may I help you?”
Customer: “I’m sick of this shit!”
Hmmm. Well now I’m immediately sick of you, fuck head.
Winston: “Thanks for calling Telescreen, my name is Winston Von Stupid, how may I help you?”
Customer: “What did you just say to me?”
So sorry to offend you. Next time I’ll be sure to answer the phone how I’m thinking: “You’re an asshole, you’re an idiot, you’re beyond help, hang up the phone now so I can get back to the magazine I was reading.”
Similarly, there are apparently more options on the closing of the call, instead of the normal, “Goodbye.”
Winston: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
Customer: “You go to hell!” Click.
Already there mother fucker.
Winston: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
Customer: “You obviously didn’t help me with a god damn thing, so why don’t you quit wasting my time?” Click.
Good point. I guess I’ll never get that fifteen minutes back either. It reminds me of that one time I accidentally tuned into Dancing With The Stars. It was an accident!
I wonder how these kind of responses would translate in the real world?
“Thanks for calling the Southern Baptist Church Of Alabama, how may I help you?”
“You go to hell!”
“Thanks for calling the Smith Center For The Deaf, how may I help you?
“What did you just say to me?”
“Thanks for calling the Farm Hills Manure Factory, how may I help you?”
“I’m sick of this shit!”
I’ve also come up with some good ideas of my own. Here’s a good greeting that I’ll be sure to save for my last call on my last day of employment:
“What? Hello? No this is a cell phone. Lose my number asshole.”
Extremely Stupid People 
I used to work in a call center and I got this call at least once a day:
“Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
*toilet flushing* “Nope, that’s all I needed.”
I mean, multitasking is one thing, but that’s just ridiculous.
HAHA. Another clue to multitasking: random pauses and sporadic grunts. I understand you gotta go when you gotta go, but can’t it wait five minutes?
You know, I get playing Bejeweled or checking Facebook on your phone while you’re in the bathroom…But I don’t think some people understand that calling an 800 number while dropping a deuce is crossing the line.