During my unfortunate tenure at Telescreen, I have been introduced to many forms of proper phone etiquette. I thought I knew how to answer the phone properly with a simple, “Hello.” Apparently there are many more creative ways to greet someone on the phone. Here are some examples:

Winston: “Thanks for calling Telescreen, my name is Winston Von Stupid, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I’m sick of this shit!”

Hmmm. Well now I’m immediately sick of you, fuck head.

Winston: “Thanks for calling Telescreen, my name is Winston Von Stupid, how may I help you?”

Customer: “What did you just say to me?”

So sorry to offend you. Next time I’ll be sure to answer the phone how I’m thinking: “You’re an asshole, you’re an idiot, you’re beyond help, hang up the phone now so I can get back to the magazine I was reading.”

Similarly, there are apparently more options on the closing of the call, instead of the normal, “Goodbye.”

Winston: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “You go to hell!” Click.

Already there mother fucker.

Winston: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “You obviously didn’t help me with a god damn thing, so why don’t you quit wasting my time?” Click.

Good point. I guess I’ll never get that fifteen minutes back either. It reminds me of that one time I accidentally tuned into Dancing With The Stars. It was an accident!

I wonder how these kind of responses would translate in the real world?

“Thanks for calling the Southern Baptist Church Of Alabama, how may I help you?”

“You go to hell!”

“Thanks for calling the Smith Center For The Deaf, how may I help you?

“What did you just say to me?”

“Thanks for calling the Farm Hills Manure Factory, how may I help you?”

“I’m sick of this shit!”

I’ve also come up with some good ideas of my own. Here’s a good greeting that I’ll be sure to save for my last call on my last day of employment:

“What? Hello? No this is a cell phone. Lose my number asshole.”