I’m A Fucking Christian God Damnit

It’s a known fact that I talk to my fair share of angry assholes. I always wonder how many of these worthless fucks actually realize what pieces of shit they are. Do they understand that screaming at a total stranger is not generally accepted by normal society? Are they aware that telling someone they’ve been talking to for 30 seconds to go fuck themselves is not really a nice thing to do? Apparently not. This is how I met Crazy Bitch. She had a serious case of Asshole Denial.

A call came my way from an agent at Telescreen because some psycho was threatening legal action. For some reason, all agents are required to transfer customers that threaten legal action to Super Department. Why they must follow this strict protocol is beyond me. If someone wants to call their lawyer, I don’t give a fuck. If someone doesn’t want to contact a lawyer, I still don’t give a fuck.

I take the call and realize Crazy Bitch is a little worked up. I’ll be damned if I can remember what her problem was, further proof that I really don’t give two shits about what these angry assholes want. She starts screaming and yelling at me, insisting that I give her money or waive some fee or something.

Customer: “If you don’t take care of this, I’ll come over there and make you!”

Am I really supposed to be worried? You’re gonna hop on a plane from bum fuck Indiana? No, you’re too poor and trashy to afford a plane ticket. You’re gonna hop in your car? No, that 30 year old Buick isn’t going to make it across state lines. Case in point, it’s a wasted threat. Go bitch slap someone else.

Customer: “You’re lucky, because I’m being nice right now.”

If this is you nice, I really am curious to see your crazy and psycho side.

Customer: “I am being as nice as I can. I am a Christian woman. I’m a fucking Christian god damnit!”

Hmm. I think that last statement was a bit counterintuitive. I don’t know shit about religion, but I’m pretty sure you aren’t supposed to use the Lord’s name in vain. Or scream “fucking.” Or be a worthless fucking bitch.

Customer: “You speak English? You hear what I’m saying?”

Unfortunately I do speak English and have to listen to every word coming out of your worthless mouth. Maybe I should take your Christian advice and pray that God could take away my ability to comprehend English.

Customer: ¨We’re not getting anywhere. I have to go to the funeral home. My uncle died. You better take care of this!”

He must have had sense enough to jump off a bridge after dealing with you. Be sure to tell the pastor at the funeral that you’re a nice Christian woman.

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