Your Stories: “Anger Management”
Here is our first Your Stories addition to ESP, sent to me by one of the many, I mean few, subscribers to this fine blog. I wasn’t able to track down who originally wrote this, but I did see this story floating around the Internet. So if the original author stumbles upon this blog, fuck you, I’m not paying you, but thanks for the entertaining story.
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying ‘Hello..’
I politely said, ‘This is John, could I please speak with Ryan Marshal?’
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right fucking number!’ and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Ryan’s correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with him, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’ and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’
He yelled ‘NO!’ and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a ‘For Sale ‘ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’
He said, ‘Yes, it is.’
I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’
He said, ‘Yes, I live at 722 Main Street in Maple Grove. It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’
I asked, ‘What’s your name?’
He said, ‘My name is Dan Holt.’
I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Dan?’
He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’
I said, ‘Listen, Dan, can I tell you something?’
He said, ‘Yes?’
I said, ‘Dan, you’re an asshole!’
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea…
I called Asshole #1.
He said, ‘Hello’
I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.)
He asked, ‘Are you still there?’
I said, ‘Yeah!’
He screamed, ‘Stop calling me!’
I said, ‘Make me.’
He asked, ‘Who are you?’
I said, ‘My name is Dan Holt.’
He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’
I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 722 Main Street in Maple Grove, in a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’
He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Dan, and you had better start saying your prayers.’
I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, ‘Hello?’
I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’
He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’
I said, ‘You’ll what?’
He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass.’
I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 722 Main Street to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down on Main Street in Maple Grove.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Maple Grove.
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter, and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
Great addition to the blog, and I really appreciate that being sent my way. What a great idea, I should definitely save the numbers of all the angry assholes and call them whenever I need to. Yet considering I talk to roughly 20 rude, yelling, pissy, worthless pieces of shit each day, I just wouldn’t have enough time.