I’m Not Just Suing Telescreen, I’m Suing You!

I’m all about respecting our elders. They had to get up to change channels on the TV. They had to open a phone book to find where the fuck they were going. They had to live through two different George Bush presidencies. That’s all some pretty wild shit, so old people get some love. I just don’t like when old people feel like they are entitled. Have you ever been in a grocery store midday? Get the fuck out of the way because Grandpa Joe is driving the Little Rascal through the prune aisle. If you try to get by them they give you the look that says, “I’m old, go fuck yourself.” I would highly recommend giving them the look back that says, “Well I’m young, so enjoy those prunes, asshole.”

An agent transfers a call over to me because some asswhipe is threatening to sue. No one ever sues Telescreen, they just think that if they threaten to sue they’ll get someone who cares. Unfortunately for them, I get on the line, and if you haven’t guessed already, I don’t give two shits about anyone calling in.

The call transfers over and I’m speaking with the manager at the “Senior Community.” Get over yourself dick, it’s an old folks home. You don’t hear me calling my work an “Executive Customer Service Center.” I call it by its real name, “Hell On Earth.”

Senior Advocate is speaking on behalf of Rose, the account holder, who is also on the line. This is pretty damn weird, because every time I ask Rose a question, he cuts her off and answers. The issue is involving a cancellation fee on her contract, not that I give a fuck. Despite my love of waiving shit, that’s one of the things Telescreen won’t let me waive. Senior Advocate is having a shit-fit over this.

Customer: “You are taking advantage of an elderly woman. She is 84 years old and does not like your poor service. How dare you charge her this fee.”

Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but I cannot waive the fee. We have a binding contract that was signed, just because Rose doesn’t like our service doesn’t give me grounds to erase that charge.”

Customer: “Who do you think you are? You think you can just take advantage of an elderly woman like that?”

Winston: “I am simply upholding the business procedures here at Telescreen sir.”

Customer: “Rose is elderly, she is confused, she doesn’t like your service, and she doesn’t want to pay any of these fees.”

Winston: “One moment sir, I’ll look into this a bit further and see if there is anything else I can do”

I go grab my supervisor, who generally isn’t much help.

Supervisor: “Waive the fee? What the fuck do they think this is, AARP? I’m not gonna waive a fee because someone’s old. Tell them to hurry up and die, then they won’t have any fees to worry about.”

The entertainment value is always there, but per the norm, he was no help.

Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but I checked with a supervisor and he advised me the same thing I told you. We are unfortunately unable to waive the fee simply because Rose dislikes our service. She agreed to our terms and conditions when she signed the contract and there is nothing more we can do.”

Customer: “Thank you. Thank you very much. You just gave me something I can send over to my lawyer. I now have grounds to sue you sir.”

Oh no, I’m shaking in my boots, Senior Advocate is going to sue Telescreen because dumbass Rose doesn’t like our shitty service. Like I give a fuck, sue away. I wonder if dipshit knows how expensive lawyers are. Even the douchebag lawyers on billboards are expensive. Lawyers are one of the few entities that don’t have coupons.

Winston: “I don’t think legal action against Telescreen is necessary sir.”

Customer: “Oh I’m not just suing Telescreen, I’m suing you!”

Me being the smartass that I am, was not too rattled by this.

Winston: “Did you still have my name and number handy then?”

Customer: “Absolutely. Thank you so much.”

Unfortunately Senior Advocate was too stupid to realize I was mocking him. I’ll be sure to peruse the Yellow Pages and find an attorney to defend me. I’ll look for an attorney with a clever nickname like “The Bulldog,” “The Muscle,” or “Money-Stealing Asshole.”

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One thought on “I’m Not Just Suing Telescreen, I’m Suing You!

  1. wow, i am trying to find something real in the “sphere” and you are it! good writing, fabulous visuals. and i am “old” i am thinking by your definition, and very interested in your attitude.

    this has to be a job you are doing until the big opportunity comes along.

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