Monkey 1, Cletus 0

Stupidity reached a new level today. I am always amazed by the resilience of stupid people. Just when I think I’ve seen it all, they still manage to prove that the utmost amount of stupidity is still possible. Stupid people are like Twinkies. Though Twinkies are a delicious snack, they serve no real purpose, as they have no nutritional value. They are all over the place, easily recognizable, and they can survive a nuclear holocaust. Stupid people are quite similar. Their lack of intelligence is entertaining, yet they have no real purpose, as they contribute nothing to the betterment of the human race. They are all over the place, easily recognizable, and yes, probably would survive a nuclear blast as well.

I’ve been troubleshooting with Cletus for 30 minutes, and so far, we’ve gotten absolutely nowhere. What advanced tech support am I providing my genius friend with? Cletus can’t quite figure out how to cancel out of an error screen. Yes, 30 minutes of tech support later, and we’re still on the same error message. How the Hell do you cancel out of an error screen? Let me break it down in layman’s terms: you press cancel. You fucking press cancel.

How can I emphasize the stupidity of Cletus any more? Well, in 1976, German scientists did a study to see how long it took a monkey to turn on a television. After years of extensive research, Dr. Fruehauf concluded that it took a monkey on average 3.47 minutes to turn on a TV. At the 30 minute mark, Cletus is getting his ass kicked by that monkey. Not that he should be ashamed, monkeys are quite smart. Ever heard of a helper monkey? Either way, Monkey 1, Cletus 0.

Is that really true, you ask? Fucked if I know, I’m not going to the library, opening up journals, and citing my research. I did enough of that in college, along with binge drinking and tailgating. Still, that may be viable, because I expect a monkey should be able to turn on a TV in under four minutes. Apparently I shouldn’t also expect a redneck should be able to hit the cancel button in under 30 minutes. I mean seriously, how does this man function in normal society?

At the 45 minute mark, I hung up the phone and hitched a flight to Alabama (don’t act like you’re not surprised). I then knocked on the door, pressed the fucking cancel button, then found out Cletus was the Republican senator of Alabama. I made all that shit up to prove a point, but if I was to do some research, I wouldn’t be surprised if Cletus really was the Republican senator of Alabama.

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