Tell Someone Who Gives A Shit

You know when you call an 800 number and you get prompted as to why you’re calling in? After listening to that automated voice, aka Robot Douche, your call is then routed to wherever you specified. If your computer is broken, you get some poor asshole in tech support. If you want to inquire about your bill, you get some poor asshole who basically gets paid to listen to people complain. If you decide you want to spend your hard-earned cash money, you get some really annoying asshole who’s going to tell you to spend more money. What’s that department called? Oh yeah, sales.

The geniuses at Telescreen decided one day, why not combine all these departments into one super department? Then someone in HR decided I would be a good fit for this fun-filled department. Lucky me. After four weeks of training, we were supposed to be experts in solving TV and computer issues. We were taught to have the patience of a 3rd grade teacher in listening to dickweeds complain about their bills. We were shown how to sell new products and save customers who threatened to leave our beloved company.

This is all well and good for the company, but they forgot one thing: incentive. Tech support employees get better pay for solving problems over the phone. Billing employees get to keep their lives every day they decide not to jump off a bridge after work. Sales employees get their beloved commission, hence why they’re all heartless douchebags. All of us over in Super Department don’t get a god damned thing, which means quite simply: I don’t give a fuck.

If a customer calls in with a technical issue, I know what I’m doing. Chances are, I can fix the problem just as well as the nerds over in tech support. Yet it’s just so much easier to send the customer new shit. I’ll generally only stay on the line long enough for the bosses to think I really tried, then I send out new shit. Stupid people love new shit.

If a customer calls in with a billing question, I’m not really listening. My mind is off in space thinking about more awesome things, like being anywhere on earth other than in my cubicle. I’ll really only listen long enough to know how much money they want off their bill. Then I credit the shit out of their account. No, I’m not a nice guy, I just don’t want to hear them bitch and moan any longer. Besides, it’s not my money. Too bad the bosses monitor the exact amount of money I credit on a daily basis. I haven’t been caught yet, so I guess I’m in good shape. Let’s not forget how much stupid people love money.

If a customer calls in wanting to cancel their service, I’m all for it. One less stupid person to talk to on my end. On average, I get about five people a day threatening to cancel their service with Telescreen. Apparently, they think I’ll get off of my chair, get down on my knees, and beg them to stay. Instead, I ask them if they would like to disconnect immediately. They tell me how much better the other companies are, and though I can’t directly agree over the phone, I certainly don’t dissuade them. This is also generally frowned upon by the dickweed bosses, but I haven’t been caught yet. I guess then I’ll continue sending stupid people to other companies, because stupid people can’t bluff for shit.