I’m An Old Lady And I Need Help!

Fucking old people. They are so befuddled by anything more complicated than opening a book, and that confusion always turns into anger towards me. I didn’t tell you to get a computer, I told you to knit, sleep, and yell at the neighborhood kids.

In comes a call, and there’s an immediate air of desperation.

Customer: “I’m an old lady and I need help!”

No, I will not help you cross the street. Now go back to the retirement home before you hurt yourself.

Customer: “Why isn’t my TV working! I pay for this damn TV and I should get the Terrible Movie Channel!”

Her desperation turns into stream of consciousness anger as she begins yelling as loud as her weathered vocal chords will allow. I don’t want to use any actual names on this blog, but I will advise you the Terrible Movie Channel might be the one that shares the same name as a greeting card company and only plays some of the most horrific movies on TV. Movies dumb old broads like.

Winston: “I’d be happy to help you with that ma’am, let’s see what we can do.”

Customer: “I don’t want you to see what you can do, I want you to get it working, NOW!”

Someone cranked up their oxygen tank one notch too many. Slow down Granny, let’s get that 1960’s black and white TV showing you shitty movies again.

Customer: “I’m so mad, I could throw this, uh, uh, um…”

Literally 20 solid seconds of uhs and ums.

Winston: “Remote?”

Customer: “Yeah, this damn remote through my, uh, um, uh…”

Another 10 seconds or so.

Winston: “TV?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’ll throw my god damn remote through the god damn TV!”

Winston: “Okay, well to get this working, we need to check the cable box next to your TV.”

Customer: “Damn you, I’m 77 years old! I ain’t gonna do nothing with no damn cable box!”

Holy shit lady, Hell hath no fury between an old broad and her shitty movies.

Winston: “Could you try and check a few plugs on that box for me please ma’am?”

Tirade #2 begins as the dumb hag complains about being old or something else that I don’t give two shits about. Obviously she can’t figure out how to use a fucking TV, but lucky for me, she can’t figure out how to use a phone either, and she accidentally hangs up mid-tirade. Thanks Granny, now go get back to yelling at those damn kids.

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