Writing

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Baby Got Back

Posted by Winston on June 10, 2013
Posted in: What The Fuck?. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , . 4 comments

Somehow going to the library didn’t seem so lame.

If the supervisors at Telescreen weren’t such a bunch of fucking Nazis, we would probably be allowed to listen to some tunes while rotting away in our evil cubicles of doom. Sadly, they insist that all of our cell phones be put away, and of course we can’t access Pandora or anything on our ancient shithole computers. Instead, we are stuck listening to the sweet sounds of toothless Rednecks trying to count beyond ten. For the record, they generally can’t.

Agents from other sales affiliates aren’t prone to the same strict protocol, since they don’t work in a fucking sweatshop like us Telescreen employees. Occasionally we can hear music in the background when they call in. One agent in particular was not so discreet with her music choices or the volume.

Winston: “Thanks for calling Super Department, this is Winston, how may I help you?”

I immediately hear music blasting in the background.

Agent: “Hey Winston, can you help me build an account? I’m getting an error with the credit card.”

Winston: “Not a problem, let me bring up the account here, one second…”

As I was bringing the account up on my screen and no one was talking, I finally caught what song she was listening to.

Music: “Fat bottom girls, you make the rocking world go round…”

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Have You Ever Been Shot?

Posted by Winston on May 28, 2013
Posted in: Jive Talkin'. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

“Calm down Grandma. Those kids definitely didn’t walk through your petunias.”

When Telescreen customers don’t pay their bills, Telescreen turns off their service. When customers think TV is too fucking important, they have a shit fit when they can’t watch something worthless like “Dancing With The Stars.” When they can’t watch worthless programming, they call customer service to bitch and complain. When customer service tells them they should pay their fucking bill, they lose their shit and end up talking to Super Department. When customers get to Super Department, they try to give bullshit excuses as to why they didn’t pay their bill in hopes of getting their service turned for free. When I get a bullshit excuse, I laugh and then post about it unbeknownst to the customer on this blog.

Customer: “Man, you gotta get my service back on, I ain’t going nowhere ’til you do.”

Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but the service was shutoff due to nonpayment. I can’t restore services until the $46.77 is collected. I’m happy to take that payment for you over the phone.”

Then there was a long pause followed by a deep sigh.

Customer: “Listen man, I had some stuff happen to me, aight? I got shot. You hear that man, I got shot!”

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Snakes, Scales, & The Devil

Posted by Winston on May 7, 2013
Posted in: Angry Assholes. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , . 4 comments

Well, they have pizza for lunch, so it must be safe…

Sometimes I get a call from someone, and all I can think is that the person must be a raging psycho. Like the fucking movie Psycho. Really. How thankful I am that people can’t murder me over the phone line. That is what I thought when I encountered a man we’ll call Norman Bates (the main character from Psycho, movie knowledge drop).

Winston: “Thanks for calling Telescreen, this is Winston, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Winston? Yeah, I was trying to get a hold of Jenny. Can you transfer me over to her?”

Winston: “Unfortunately it doesn’t look like she’s in today, but I can give you her direct extension if you’re ready for the number.”

Customer: “No that’s okay, can you just leave a message for her?”

Winston: “Not a problem, I’ll get an email right over to her.”

Customer: “Great. Could you please ask her why she’s so fucking stupid?”

I shit you not, verbatim, this fucking happened. A normal person would have been speechless, but to me, this was just another day. Little did I know what else lay ahead.

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ESP Turns Two

Posted by Winston on March 28, 2013
Posted in: Job Security. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

And another fun filled day at the DMV began.

Can you believe it, gentle reader? The wild and crazy world of Extremely Stupid People turns two years old as of today!

I know, I’m excited too. Not excited that I’m still working in the Hell on Earth known as Telescreen Inc, but excited that the blog is still rolling and capturing stupidity after all these years (um…two).

Last year at this time, I contemplated the viability of keeping the blog going. Low readership, a large time commitment, and basically having to relive my life at the call center even when I wasn’t there made me consider shutting ESP down. But I quit being a crying bitch and continued on. Since then, the blog was featured on the WordPress Freshly Pressed page and we gained lots of new intelligent followers. Readership isn’t crazy high or anything, but at least we have a solid crew of people that can join in on making fun of fucking idiots. I also made a new friend, Charlie Blue Dot, that will be collaborating and joining the fun here at ESP. Nothing else of note really happened throughout the year other than that. Just lots of posts about stupid people.

I came to realize over the last year that this blog will need to continue on, whether I have one reader or one million. Whether you read this blog once a month or dutifully each time a new post plops into your inbox, I think ESP can bring some good to the world, even if I do say “fuck” and “shit” a lot. Fuck. Shit. I know it’s made me feel better about having to get screamed at by angry asshole redneck pieces of shit all day. If your job is decidedly shitty, maybe these ESP stories can make your day a little brighter. Maybe you don’t have a job and are tired of watching infomercials. Maybe you just enjoy pointing and laughing at dumb people. I know I do.

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I’m Gon Kill That Sum Bitch

Posted by Charlie Blue Dot on March 5, 2013
Posted in: Conversations With Rex. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , . 4 comments

“Hey neighbor, I think you parked your ‘truck’ on my tree stump.”

Conversations With Rex

I have been following Winston’s blog since its genesis. Stories of ESP’s and dumb rednecks are not only funny, but give you some perspective on your own intelligence. Litmus tests, if you will. Chances are, if you’re sympathetic with the customer in any of Winston’s stories, you’re probably an ESP yourself.

But what happens when you leave your semi-comfortable work setting and have to deal with the gun-toting, gay-bashing, Christ-loving idiots in the real world? Well, I have the case study for you and he is my next door neighbor…Rex.

Rex in his very nature is a simple kind of guy. One would describe him as a Salt-of-the-Earth character. I don’t understand what that means. Presumably because Rednecks tend to have high-sodium diets and earthy body odors.  But Rex is 58 years old and it doesn’t appear he has ever stepped foot outside of his suburban Midwestern community. With his simplicity comes an approachable demeanor and a willingness to offer a neighborly hand, sometimes without request.

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Conversations With Rex

Posted by Winston on March 4, 2013
Posted in: Conversations With Rex. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

I’m driving right that fuck past that supply store.

I tell you what gentle reader, there is just too much fucking stupidity for one man to ridicule by himself. I could spend all day, everyday, sharing ESP stories from my time at Telescreen and I’d still have posts leftover. Yet that’s just while I’m at work, because after I leave the dungeon known as the Telescreen call center, it’s stupidity on the roads, on TV, and inside mother fucking Perkins. I know you all have the same issue as you go about your intelligent lives, so I created “Your Stories” and “Your Posts” to allow you all to share the stupidity. The readers have definitely risen to the challenge, with tons of hilarious stories sent my way and posted as comments throughout the many blog posts on ESP.

Yet one man had far too many stories to share and wanted to start his own blog about stupidity. I think the idea came about with beer in hand, which is always the best way to make decisions. So I invited him to join me here on ESP because, I’ll be damned, two is better than one in the fight against stupidity. So now I will no longer be the sole writer on the blog, but will be collaborating with a new author by the name of Charlie Blue Dot.

Now Charlie has one Hell of a problem. He doesn’t work in an evil shithole like Telescreen. He doesn’t live in the backwoods of Mississippi. But he does live right next door to the craziest Redneck around named Rex. He has been telling me and everyone else the most ridiculous stories about Rex, but it’s not really about what Rex does. It’s always about the dumbest fucking shit that Rex says. So from here on out, Charlie will contribute to ESP by posting “Conversations With Rex.”

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The Honest Agent

Posted by Winston on February 26, 2013
Posted in: Jive Talkin'. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

“If you think this is nice, just wait until you see the Kias.”

We deal with a lot of sketchy sales agents over in Super Department. We have to help them build accounts when they get caught manipulating the system (which happens on a minute-by-minute basis). We then have to build accounts for them because they fucked with the system. As much as I think they’re pieces of shit, I happily build accounts for them because it beats talking to that trailer trash redneck yelling into the phone with a lisp because he’s missing teeth, but that I still can’t hear because of his fucking crying kids, barking dogs, and asshole friend revving an ATV engine in the background. That’s just one example of a fine Telescreen customer.

Day in and day out, my colleagues and I have to deal with the sketchiest mother fuckers around in the sales department, lying and cheating their way to getting any type of commission. No one at Telescreen seems to care since the management appointed everyone in Super Department to help make sure sales go through. So after years of all that daily lying bullshit, I really appreciate an honest sales agent. I like a man who’s not afraid to lie, and willing to simply speak the truth.

Winston: “So they already have an account?”

Agent: “Sounds like it. Say goodbye to my sale.”

Winston: “Well have you accessed their account and told them what we need to do to get the account moved?”

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The Nine Hour Interview

Posted by Winston on February 13, 2013
Posted in: Job Security. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , . 6 comments

“So, this is your resume?”

In my daily job searching and periodic interviewing for better positions (such as a guy that drives around town picking up dog shit), I was reminiscing of the wonderful interview process undertaken at Telescreen Inc almost two years ago. Good thing I’ve written down every ESP interaction and Telescreen misstep since my first week on the job, or else I’d forget all the finer details. If you happen to be in a rush and want me to skip over the details, I can do that too. I’ll sum up the Telescreen interview process in two simple words: Fucking stupid. There you go, now get onto more important things like making origami animals or something.

I fatefully drove by the massive Telescreen call center one day and saw a hiring sign. I was unemployed and needed a job, simple as that. I knew it was a shitty company and the the job would probably blow, but I thought it could get me by “for the time being.” Little did I know that meant two years and counting…

That night I went online to apply, and was immediately greeted by a whole bunch of bullshit. You don’t just send them your resume, you’ve got to earn the honor to apply, or at least that’s the way it seemed. You can’t just send your resume, you’ve got to fill out pages and pages of additional information instead. That’s standard with a lot of applications, but it wasn’t a real job. I mean, it’s a fucking call center.

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Proper Credentials

Posted by Winston on January 24, 2013
Posted in: Angry Assholes. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , . 2 comments

“Hey bros, which way is the toga party?”

When a customer calls in, I assume they’re stupid. I know it’s not right to judge, but I’ve done the research. I’ve spoken to thousands upon thousands of extremely stupid dumb assholes, so by now, my assumptions can be treated as facts.

Some of these dipshits simply don’t want to admit they’re stupid. It’s the ones that refute their lack of intelligence the most that end up being, well, the stupidest. Usually they argue and accuse me of implying they’re stupid (which I do) or thinking they’re stupid (which I do).

Yet only one man was brave enough to provide me with the proper credentials to prove his intelligence:

Winston: “Well sir, I’ve looked at your bill and everything seems correct. I’m still showing you owe $75.68.”

Customer: “Let me ask you a question. Do you understand who you’re talking to right now?”

Winston: “Excuse me?”

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Winston Goes Back To Kindergarten

Posted by Winston on January 7, 2013
Posted in: Job Security. Tagged: , , . 12 comments

“So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.”

Whoa, shit! Sorry for the hiatus, gentle reader. I guess I’ll just call it a “holiday break.” Unfortunately, stupidity never takes a break or a holiday, so back to business as usual.

Remember back in the day, when you were in elementary school, and you had to use some dumbass pass to go to the bathroom? It was usually some cutesie thing that you had to carry in with you, which now that I think about it, was pretty unsanitary and disgusting.

Next, you moved up to middle school, and you still had to have a pass, but it was for the purpose of roaming the halls and did not need to be brought into the germ filled crapper.

Then you made it to high school, and you didn’t have to use a pass to roam the halls or take a leak, but you still had that dickweed assistant principal wandering the halls threatening to expel you for not being in class.

Finally, you made it to college, where no one gave a fuck if you were in the halls or even attending class for that matter. So you slept in, ate some Easy Mac, played some Mario Cart, and got wasted on Busch Light at 1PM on a Tuesday. Man college was fucking awesome.

Now that you’re in the work force, you would think you wouldn’t need any sort of dumbass passes to do anything, because you’re a fucking adult, and anything of that nature is childish and stupid. Unless of course, you work at Telescreen Inc.

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