I always wondered what the Internet looked like in real life.
There are plenty of mysteries in the world. Stonehenge. Atlantis. Nascar. One thing that doesn’t need a fucking investigation is the quick fix of a Telescreen router.
An angry old asshole called in and got super pissed because he couldn’t understand technology. Yes, this is a daily occurrence. I mean, the guy got confused about absolutely fucking everything. I was surprised he could carry on a conversation at that matter. Well, by conversation, I mean him just complaining about the “damned Interweb.”
He couldn’t figure out why his “Interweb” suddenly “vanished.” Why? Because he’s a fucking moron. The mystery of the vanishing Interweb solved in four seconds.
After talking to him for a whole 20 seconds, I could immediately tell he was fucking stupid, caused this whole fucking problem, and that he was really just an asshole. Don’t blame me because you’re stupid, gramps.
Winston: “Okay sir, we need to reset the router. What you’ll do is unplug the power from the box…”
Customer: “Wait, what? You mean this damned Interweb machine?”
Winston: “Correct, you’ll need to pull the power from…”
Customer: “Damnit, slow down! What do I pull?”
A history lesson while I buy a Slim Jim? Score.
Well hot damn gentle reader, we did it. We hit the century mark! 100 stories of stupidity. If you’ve been with me from the beginning, you know the impossible is possible. A normal person may believe in the intelligence of the human race. Yet we have 100 examples that there are some real fucking morons out there. Really dumb people. I’m talking about extremely stupid people here.
Now I’m not trying to be defeatist by any means, because quite a bit of good can come from 100 stories of stupid. Had a shitty day at work? Feel better by laughing at those with lesser intelligence. Did something dumb today? Boost your self-esteem by realizing you aren’t a dirty Redneck that can’t count past 2 (the number of Busch Lights ordered in a round at the bar).
I’ve got plenty more than a hundred stories, believe me. It seems like I can’t stay ahead of them. Everyday I go to the call center, really not wanting anyone to be so fucking ridiculous, but I’ll be damned, they just keep on coming. Endless stupidity.
So while we’re talking about numbers, allow me to enlighten you with a story about a man that got really fucking pissed over a really fucking small number.
Winston: “What do you mean you’ve been charged? Your service hasn’t even been setup yet.”
Customer: “I have my bank statement right here and I see a charge. I can send it to you, because I’m not blind!”
You really have to appreciate an honest person these days.
The chances I believe a sob story from some Angry Asshole or any other ESP is about 5%. When I first started at Telescreen, I was young, naive, and ready to solve problems. You just lost your house? Of course I’ll cancel your account. You paid your bill even though we don’t show it was received? No problem, I’ll credit everything myself.
Then what happened was I wised up. Management was on my ass for breaking protocol. The customers were saying things that just didn’t add up. They didn’t want a solution, they just wanted to tell a dumb fucking story to get their way. So I realized I was going to call a bullshitter a bullshitter and wouldn’t believe a damn thing. That whole process happened in about an hour by the way.
Since I know 95% of the ESP customers are lying about something, I really enjoy calling them out on their lies. They claim they made a payment, so we call their bank and confirm they didn’t. They claim they sent back their receiver box, but we track it on the postal service website and see it hasn’t been sent. It’s a nice way of calling “bullshit” without actually saying “bullshit,” which is frowned upon in a call center.
One customer wasn’t just a bullshitter, she was a liar. Like a pathological liar. I don’t think she could’ve told the fucking truth if she tried. So I had no choice but to call “bullshit” every five fucking seconds. I’d say it was great to be right, but when dealing with an ESP, you’re always right. Unfortunately, the more wrong they are, the more pissed off they get.
I think the politically correct term is “disabled.”
An extremely stupid person doesn’t listen too well. It’s like stupidity blocks a portion of their hearing or something. This is nothing new, because most ESP’s get all worked up over some dumb shit that can easily be solved. The problem lies in the fact that they don’t understand rationale, mainly because they aren’t listening to any solutions. Come to think of it, they don’t understand much of anything at all, because they’re fucking stupid.
There was one guy who was particularly stupid deaf. I like that term, “stupid deaf,” has a nice ring to it. Anyway, his story isn’t particularly stupid, nor is it particularly hilarious. Yet for some reason, it’s been spread around the call center, and fellow employees as well as supervisors enjoy asking me about it. If they only knew how to Google “Extremely Stupid People,” they would have way more than one ESP story!
Customer: “So why don’t you tell me about this here rebate y’all sent me.”
Winston: “So you purchased the receiver box at full price, this is the $100 off the salesman told you about when you purchased your service a couple of months ago.”
Customer: “Yeah, but where the Hell’s my money? Y’all gave me this dumb card.”
Winston: “Correct, the money is on there. It’s a prepaid debit card with $100. It will spend just like cash.”
Customer: “Um, no, it won’t. Ain’t no way in Hell I’m opening up a card in my name. I’m watching my credit score.”
I ask myself that same question every time I walk into the call center.
Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:
Winston: “Ma’am, please calm down.”
Customer: “Don’t fucking tell me to calm down!”
Customer: “The installer told me he would solve this, and now just look at my bill!”
Winston: “Again, I can’t see those charges on your account; they don’t show up on our end.”
Customer: “I know! That’s why they told me not to call Telescreen.”
Winston: “You mean, the main line here?”
Customer: “Yeah, they said, ‘Don’t call Telescreen under any circumstances’ or they’ll mess up your account! Boy were they right.”
“I don’t care if you have a credit card, I’m not selling you 100 pounds of dog food.”
I’ve noticed that I help ESP customers with more than just their TV service. I mean, I help them with life in general. ESP’s need a little more assistance with pretty much everything. Like walking ten feet, eating a bowl of Wheaties, or simply using a credit card.
Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but the credit card is still saying ‘declined’ in our system.”
Customer: “Well Hell, it’s brand spankin’ new, I have no idea why it won’t work.”
Winston: “Have you used it yet?”
Customer: “Well, no. I told ya, it’s brand new.”
Winston: “That might be the problem.”
Customer: “What, do I have to do something with a new card?”
Winston: “Yes, you have to activate it.”
Customer: “Activate it? I have to activate a credit card? How in Hell’s name do I do that?”
I won’t go into detail on how to activate a card, gentle reader. I know you’re intelligent and can figure out that the giant sticker on the card saying “Call to Activate” isn’t there for decoration.
Even Beetlejuice needs a lunch break.
Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:
Winston: “When did you try to cancel before?”
Customer: “Well I tried a few days ago.”
Winston: “That’s odd, I don’t see any notes on the account. Did you talk to an agent?”
Customer: “No, I ain’t talk to no one.”
Winston: “What do you mean?”
Customer: “Ain’t no one answer the phone.”
Customer: “I tried to call and cancel, but I couldn’t get a hold of anyone. Ain’t no one answer that damn phone of yours.”
Winston: “Um, I’m not sure that’s possible.”
Somehow going to the library didn’t seem so lame.
If the supervisors at Telescreen weren’t such a bunch of fucking Nazis, we would probably be allowed to listen to some tunes while rotting away in our evil cubicles of doom. Sadly, they insist that all of our cell phones be put away, and of course we can’t access Pandora or anything on our ancient shithole computers. Instead, we are stuck listening to the sweet sounds of toothless Rednecks trying to count beyond ten. For the record, they generally can’t.
Agents from other sales affiliates aren’t prone to the same strict protocol, since they don’t work in a fucking sweatshop like us Telescreen employees. Occasionally we can hear music in the background when they call in. One agent in particular was not so discreet with her music choices or the volume.
Winston: “Thanks for calling Super Department, this is Winston, how may I help you?”
I immediately hear music blasting in the background.
Agent: “Hey Winston, can you help me build an account? I’m getting an error with the credit card.”
Winston: “Not a problem, let me bring up the account here, one second…”
As I was bringing the account up on my screen and no one was talking, I finally caught what song she was listening to.
Music: “Fat bottom girls, you make the rocking world go round…”
“Calm down Grandma. Those kids definitely didn’t walk through your petunias.”
When Telescreen customers don’t pay their bills, Telescreen turns off their service. When customers think TV is too fucking important, they have a shit fit when they can’t watch something worthless like “Dancing With The Stars.” When they can’t watch worthless programming, they call customer service to bitch and complain. When customer service tells them they should pay their fucking bill, they lose their shit and end up talking to Super Department. When customers get to Super Department, they try to give bullshit excuses as to why they didn’t pay their bill in hopes of getting their service turned for free. When I get a bullshit excuse, I laugh and then post about it unbeknownst to the customer on this blog.
Customer: “Man, you gotta get my service back on, I ain’t going nowhere ’til you do.”
Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but the service was shutoff due to nonpayment. I can’t restore services until the $46.77 is collected. I’m happy to take that payment for you over the phone.”
Then there was a long pause followed by a deep sigh.
Customer: “Listen man, I had some stuff happen to me, aight? I got shot. You hear that man, I got shot!”
Well, they have pizza for lunch, so it must be safe…
Sometimes I get a call from someone, and all I can think is that the person must be a raging psycho. Like the fucking movie Psycho. Really. How thankful I am that people can’t murder me over the phone line. That is what I thought when I encountered a man we’ll call Norman Bates (the main character from Psycho, movie knowledge drop).
Winston: “Thanks for calling Telescreen, this is Winston, how may I help you?”
Customer: “Winston? Yeah, I was trying to get a hold of Jenny. Can you transfer me over to her?”
Winston: “Unfortunately it doesn’t look like she’s in today, but I can give you her direct extension if you’re ready for the number.”
Customer: “No that’s okay, can you just leave a message for her?”
Winston: “Not a problem, I’ll get an email right over to her.”
Customer: “Great. Could you please ask her why she’s so fucking stupid?”
I shit you not, verbatim, this fucking happened. A normal person would have been speechless, but to me, this was just another day. Little did I know what else lay ahead.