TV

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Top ESP Searches: Volume 4

Posted by Winston on June 19, 2013
Posted in: Extremely Stupid. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

Oh, so that’s how Google does the street view thing. How green of them.

As intelligent as loyal ESP readers are, there are always a few stupid people that slip through the cracks and land on the blog. The dumbasses have to get to ESP somehow, and this is how they’re doing it:

“Im Extermly Stoopid Rigth Now”

That’s for damn sure. Now what’s the goal of that search?

“Stupid Business Casual Hobo”

What? Are you saying business casual is stupid or inquiring how a hobo would dress in a corporate environment?

“Call Center Agents Are Assholes”

Only if they create blogs retelling stories about their interactions with stupid fucking customers.

“Stupid People And Computers”

Yeah, they don’t mix very well. Please see every post on the blog as proof.

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Snakes, Scales, & The Devil

Posted by Winston on May 7, 2013
Posted in: Angry Assholes. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , . 4 comments

Well, they have pizza for lunch, so it must be safe…

Sometimes I get a call from someone, and all I can think is that the person must be a raging psycho. Like the fucking movie Psycho. Really. How thankful I am that people can’t murder me over the phone line. That is what I thought when I encountered a man we’ll call Norman Bates (the main character from Psycho, movie knowledge drop).

Winston: “Thanks for calling Telescreen, this is Winston, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Winston? Yeah, I was trying to get a hold of Jenny. Can you transfer me over to her?”

Winston: “Unfortunately it doesn’t look like she’s in today, but I can give you her direct extension if you’re ready for the number.”

Customer: “No that’s okay, can you just leave a message for her?”

Winston: “Not a problem, I’ll get an email right over to her.”

Customer: “Great. Could you please ask her why she’s so fucking stupid?”

I shit you not, verbatim, this fucking happened. A normal person would have been speechless, but to me, this was just another day. Little did I know what else lay ahead.

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I’ve Only Got $10 To My Name

Posted by Winston on November 28, 2012
Posted in: Dirty Rednecks. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , . 4 comments

“Grab my wallet, it’s the one that says Bad Mother Fucker.”

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

I’m fighting with some dumbass over his bill, mainly because he has every single channel, ever single package, tons of receivers, and the best equipment. I also see his address is in Alabama.

Winston: “Well sir, if the bill is too high, we could consider lowering your package.”

Customer: “No, I ain’t gonna do that. No way I’m losing any channels.”

Winston: “With the top package and all the add-ons, that’s the price you’re going to see each month.”

Customer: “What you think I am, rich?”

Again, I saw his address was in Alabama…

Customer: “When I signed up all this stuff was cheap.”

Winston: “The introductory rate was cheaper, but you kept all of the add-ons, and now you’re paying full price for everything.”

Customer: “Well that right there is some B.S! I ain’t paying nothing more. I want all these channels, but I want them for free because of all the hassle y’all have been causing me.”

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The Phone Sex Badass

Posted by Winston on November 8, 2012
Posted in: Perplexed Employees. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 3 comments

“Oh yeah, it’s definitely getting hot in here.”

Sometimes employees don’t get mad, they get even. I plot pretty much every single day how I can get even with these idiotic assholes, but so far I’ve come up with nothing. One employee was much better at plotting than me and ended up getting pretty fucking even.

I’m on the phone with some raging bitch who’s pissed about something I don’t give a fuck about. She’s insistent on talking to a previous agent who was working with her the previous week.

Customer: “I need to speak with John, he promised me he would get a technician out here today!”

Winston: “Well let me see if I can track John down then.”

Customer: “No, you get up and you find him right now!”

See the demanding bullshit I deal with on a regular basis? I put the raging bitch on hold and tried to track down John, the poor employee that had to deal with this psycho. I looked him up in our directory, and it turned out he had just quit earlier in the week. Smart bastard. That’s par for the course as the turnover is fucking unreal at Telescreen.

Winston: “I’m sorry ma’am, but it looks like John quit earlier this week. I’m not sure if you had tried calling him…”

Customer: “You’re damn right I have! I’ve been trying to call him all week, why do you think I’m so frustrated? Every time I called that number, you know what I got? A phone sex line. S-E-X! You know, that porno stuff. Can you believe that?”

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The Apology

Posted by Winston on October 25, 2012
Posted in: What The Fuck?. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 6 comments

Apparently someone doesn’t fuck around.

I’ve heard a lot of things in my years at Telescreen. I’ve heard threats, rants, tears, and farts. I’ve been yelled at, cursed at, screamed at, and belittled. Yet the thing I’ve heard once, and only once, was an apology.

I’d say I’m due an apology about 80% of the time. The customers should be apologizing for being rude assholes, acting like fucking morons, and wasting my goddamn time. Alas, that doesn’t happen, as all ESP’s for some reason are so damn sure of themselves. I’ve found that the dumber the customer is, the more they feel they’re right. If they can’t fucking perform simple math, then the bill has to be wrong. Well of course nothing adds up if you don’t know that 2 and 2 equals fucking four.

So I thought I would include this epic and one-time event in a post, but I’m not a hypocrite. I’ve also included an official apology to all of the ESP’s I’ve thus far ridiculed on this blog.

I’m fighting back and forth with a relatively calm customer regarding returning a receiver box. He’s assuring me he returned the box, but our records over at Telescreen are telling me differently.

Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but I don’t show the box was returned when you cancelled your account.”

Customer: “That just can’t be right, I know I returned it. I sent it back to y’all a month ago.”

Winston: “I do see that we received one of the boxes, but you had two active on your account.”

This continued for about 30 minutes, until I finally was able to convince him to, you know, actually look for the fucking box.

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My Legs Don’t Work

Posted by Winston on October 10, 2012
Posted in: Clueless & Elderly. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 1 comment

Do they really think old people are going to run in the street? Those electric wheelchairs are pretty fancy…

I guess you could say I’m a problem solver. When someone calls into Telescreen, it is my duty to find a solution to whatever dumbass, bullshit problem they’re having. Not that I give a fuck about the customers that call in, I just want to fix their shit and bid them adieu so I can get back to watching the nice TV displaying Sports Center a few feet from my cubicle. Yet every once in awhile, there’s a problem that I can’t for the life of me fix. That’s generally when people get super pissed, but hey, I’m not a fucking magician. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about, following the four step problem solving process.

Customer: “I still don’t see anything on my screen and I don’t know what to do!”

Winston: “We’re going to need to reset the receiver. All you have to do is unplug the power from the wall…”

Customer: “No, no, that’s not going to work. I can’t do that.”

Actually you can do that. So can a monkey.

Winston: “Well it’s really easy to do, the power cord has a little red flag on it…”

Customer: “No, I can’t get out of bed. I’m 85 and my legs don’t work.”

Step 1: Identify the problem. What the Hell? Who says that? I’ve never heard of a handicapped, oh I’m sorry, handi-capable person saying their legs don’t work. That right there is a sorry excuse. Hasn’t this guy heard of, you know, a wheelchair? Has he ever seen Lieutenant Dan kick some major ass in Forest Gump? So the problem is the old man is too feeble and worthless to move four inches. I would then try coercing him to move five feet.

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They Gonna Have A Little Surprise

Posted by Winston on September 26, 2012
Posted in: Dirty Rednecks, What The Fuck?. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 3 comments

It’s okay for a man to scream like a girl, just not cry like a girl.

I shudder to think about what goes on in these ESP’s homes. Fortunately, there are many miles between me and the back woods of Mississippi, but in a way, when they’re talking to me, it’s like I’m there. With one ‘hello’ I am suddenly transformed into the evil, disgusting world known as their double-wide. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about.

Customer: “What ya mean there was damage to the receiver?”

Winston: “I’m showing the charge on your most recent bill was due to damage on the returned receiver.”

Customer: “No, I ain’t break that thing. It was broke already, that’s why I sent it back to y’all.”

Winston: “Well let me check the inventory note and see if there’s a reason for the charge. Hold on for a second, would you?”

Insert shitty hold music here.

Winston: “Alright sir, I checked the inventory note, and the reason for damage is marked as ‘infestation.’ Does that ring any bells?”

Customer: “Oh Hell, it’s those damn cockroaches. Been messing with them for months.”

Ewww. I had heard horror stories from those in the warehouse about the crazy shit that’s been found in receivers. There is even a section on our Intranet where you could look at pictures of that nasty shit. There’s a picture where a returned receiver is filled with cockroaches, one with a little fucking snake, and how, I don’t know, but one with a goddamn mini octopus inside. I’m not fucking around, honest!

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ESP IQ Test

Posted by Winston on June 28, 2012
Posted in: Extremely Stupid. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 4 comments

A new page is up and running called ESP IQ Test! Here it is:

Are you an ESP? I highly doubt it, gentle reader, but how about you prove it to yourself and the rest of the free world? Below you will find 10 multiple questions on a variety of topics, ranging from mathematics to Walmart. Answer each one to the best of your knowledge, just like a stupid public school standardized test. Once you’re done, note your score, X out of the quiz box, and scroll down to see if  you’re Smart, Average, or Stupid. Click “Take The Quiz” to get started!

Score Evaluation:

SMART: (100% – 90%)

Marty McFly = Awesome

AVERAGE: (89% – 70%)

The Dude Abides

STUPID: (69% – 0%)

Transvestite Donkey Witch

Winston Joins Facebook

Posted by Winston on June 27, 2012
Posted in: Job Security. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

How come Facebook doesn’t have a thumbs down for things that are stupid?

It was bound to happen. I thought ESP was technologically advanced by being on the Internet. Unfortunately, simply being on the Internet doesn’t guarantee much of anything. You have to join Facebook to be a part of the cutting edge. At least that’s what my man J-Tim told me, you know, the gay guy from the Facebook movie. No more cassette tapes, those are reserved for my 80′s Billy Joel collection (that’s actually not a joke). No more books, those are reserved for nerds and people who hate TV (like such classics as Pawn Stars). No more newspapers, those are reserved for old people (along with prune juice and informercials). From now on, ESP will be on the cusp of technology. Wait, wasn’t Facebook founded in 2004? Oh well, close enough.

The link to my kick ass Facebook page is on the right of the blog, just below the new kick ass ESP logo. Go on, click it, you know you want to.

I know there’s not much on there yet, but hey, I just started. I’ll be slowly uploading all my previous posts to the Facebook page, and every new post will automatically be uploaded there as well. You can like my Facebook page and see new posts on your news feed. You can write on the wall, send a message, or comment on posts. You can click the big bad ‘like’ button on the right of the screen. You can share posts via Facebook, Twitter, WordPress, or email. You can subscribe to ESP via email and get all my future intelligent posts tossed right into your inbox. Whew! So many choices, so little time. Rather, so much stupidity, so little time to mock.

Way to go technology, I’m damn proud. I’ll leave you with a little bit of ESP before you go:

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Winston Gets A Raise

Posted by Winston on June 6, 2012
Posted in: Job Security, Perplexed Employees. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 1 comment

Something tells me the fake bills on the shirt are the most this guy has ever seen in his life.

I didn’t see it coming. It was a day like any other day, filled with useless fucking morons, clueless rednecks, and yelling bitches. Then a friendly message from my boss pops up on the screen, “Yearly review after your call.” Um, okay. I end the call by telling the genius that because the bill reads $35 they in fact do owe $35. The guy next to me happens to be off the phone, which is rare, so I ask him what these reviews are. “Oh, they’re just these dumb evaluations they do each year.” “Sounds stupid,” I reply, right when my boss appears at my cube. “Well, let’s see if it is,” he says. Timing was never my thing.

We go into the empty, dark, cold office in the back of the bullpen. Since no one has an office, we all go to this ugly fucking place for stupid shit like meetings and evaluations. My boss sits me down and slowly shuts the door. He pulls out a manila folder and pretends he’s in the damn CIA or something.

To me, an evaluation doesn’t mean a fucking thing. Since I’m working in the shithole known as Telescreen, I could give two fucks what they think about my performance. The fact that I haven’t jumped off the top of a tall building should be enough to warrant a high evaluation.

Performance is graded on a number system, and they measure your performance based on a score of ten, with categories such as results, customer service, initiative, blah, blah, blah. My boss goes through my performance and everything is positive. He raves that I’m one of the top employees in the department and hails my wonderful stats, because that’s all that really matters around there. I forgot to stop him and tell him how sad it is that a guy who makes a blog humiliating customers and the management at Telescreen is doing “such a great job.” The positive feedback was nothing to be proud of, it actually made me a bit ashamed. It just proves that a retarded monkey can perform my job to a high degree. Great, I have the performance level of a “special” monkey.

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