Welcome To ESP, your portal for everything stupid. My name is Winston and I work at a call center for a large media company known as Telescreen Inc. Each day, I am baffled by the sheer stupidity of the population. This blog includes my stories, diatribes, and analysis from my daily encounters with idiots. So join me as I slip into the realm of extremely stupid people...
“Calm down Grandma. Those kids definitely didn’t walk through your petunias.”
When Telescreen customers don’t pay their bills, Telescreen turns off their service. When customers think TV is too fucking important, they have a shit fit when they can’t watch something worthless like “Dancing With The Stars.” When they can’t watch worthless programming, they call customer service to bitch and complain. When customer service tells them they should pay their fucking bill, they lose their shit and end up talking to Super Department. When customers get to Super Department, they try to give bullshit excuses as to why they didn’t pay their bill in hopes of getting their service turned for free. When I get a bullshit excuse, I laugh and then post about it unbeknownst to the customer on this blog.
Customer: “Man, you gotta get my service back on, I ain’t going nowhere ’til you do.”
Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but the service was shutoff due to nonpayment. I can’t restore services until the $46.77 is collected. I’m happy to take that payment for you over the phone.”
Then there was a long pause followed by a deep sigh.
Customer: “Listen man, I had some stuff happen to me, aight? I got shot. You hear that man, I got shot!”
If you’ve ever seen The Big Lebowski, you know that John Goodman’s character Walter loved bringing up his experiences in Vietnam. We now know that his buddies died lying face down in the muck, but most of the characters in the movie didn’t want to hear any of that. Similarly, I don’t want to hear about some Redneck asshole’s experiences in Iraq. That won’t stop them from telling me all about it though.
Winston: “Well sir, last summer the services were shut off due to non payment.”
Customer: “I already told you I wasn’t home. I was out of the country!”
Winston: “That may be, but since the account was still active, the charges continued to accrue on the account.”
Customer: “Let me ask you something. Have you ever heard of Iraq?”
No, I guess I slept through Geography 101 and have never watched the news in my entire life.
Winston: “Yes sir I have, but we need to get back to the matter at hand…”
Customer: “Last summer, I was in Iraq. Fighting in Operation Iraqi Freedom. I was fighting for democracy. For your freedom. For your neighbor’s.”
Well, they have pizza for lunch, so it must be safe…
Sometimes I get a call from someone, and all I can think is that the person must be a raging psycho. Like the fucking movie Psycho. Really. How thankful I am that people can’t murder me over the phone line. That is what I thought when I encountered a man we’ll call Norman Bates (the main character from Psycho, movie knowledge drop).
Winston: “Thanks for calling Telescreen, this is Winston, how may I help you?”
Customer: “Winston? Yeah, I was trying to get a hold of Jenny. Can you transfer me over to her?”
Winston: “Unfortunately it doesn’t look like she’s in today, but I can give you her direct extension if you’re ready for the number.”
Customer: “No that’s okay, can you just leave a message for her?”
Winston: “Not a problem, I’ll get an email right over to her.”
Customer: “Great. Could you please ask her why she’s so fucking stupid?”
I shit you not, verbatim, this fucking happened. A normal person would have been speechless, but to me, this was just another day. Little did I know what else lay ahead.
Free-range, organic chicken, available at Whole Foods.
As you’ve probably gathered, I’ve had plenty of threats against my life over the last couple of years. There have been too many to count and even too many to mention all of them on the blog. I can only justifiably mention the creative and original threats, like this one:
Winston: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I can’t get the refund back to you sooner than three to five business days. It has to clear with your bank first, but we have no control over that process.”
Customer: “Na-na-na-na. You think you can get away with this?”
Winston: “Ma’am, we made sure the refund was sent to the bank yesterday…”
Customer: “Na-na-na-na. You’re gonna hang for this, you hear me? You’re gonna hang mister! You’re gonna hang!”
Hmm. I can’t make money magically appear so I’m going to be executed? By way of a noose? No, this isn’t the fucking 1600′s and I’m not a fucking witch. It must have been a figure of speech or something, because that made no sense whatsoever. Even literally speaking, I don’t think the death penalty is sentenced to people who can’t get a refund sooner than three business days.
As you can probably imagine, gentle reader, customers rarely take no for an answer. If there is nothing else ol’ Winston can do for them, they throw in the “or else” threats. Most of the time, they will threaten to call a lawyer, the Better Business Bureau, the Attorney General, etc. Yet sometimes, they’ll go to even more extreme measures.
Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but I simply can’t reverse the charge. If you received the services, we must charge you for them.”
Customer: “Are you sure you wanna do this, pal?”
Winston: “Like I said, I wish there was more…”
Customer: “No, no, no. Lookee here. You’s in trouble now, ya’ hear? All I have to do is make one phone call.”
Can you believe it, gentle reader? The wild and crazy world of Extremely Stupid People turns two years old as of today!
I know, I’m excited too. Not excited that I’m still working in the Hell on Earth known as Telescreen Inc, but excited that the blog is still rolling and capturing stupidity after all these years (um…two).
Last year at this time, I contemplated the viability of keeping the blog going. Low readership, a large time commitment, and basically having to relive my life at the call center even when I wasn’t there made me consider shutting ESP down. But I quit being a crying bitch and continued on. Since then, the blog was featured on the WordPress Freshly Pressed page and we gained lots of new intelligent followers. Readership isn’t crazy high or anything, but at least we have a solid crew of people that can join in on making fun of fucking idiots. I also made a new friend, Charlie Blue Dot, that will be collaborating and joining the fun here at ESP. Nothing else of note really happened throughout the year other than that. Just lots of posts about stupid people.
I came to realize over the last year that this blog will need to continue on, whether I have one reader or one million. Whether you read this blog once a month or dutifully each time a new post plops into your inbox, I think ESP can bring some good to the world, even if I do say “fuck” and “shit” a lot. Fuck. Shit. I know it’s made me feel better about having to get screamed at by angry asshole redneck pieces of shit all day. If your job is decidedly shitty, maybe these ESP stories can make your day a little brighter. Maybe you don’t have a job and are tired of watching infomercials. Maybe you just enjoy pointing and laughing at dumb people. I know I do.
“If you think this is nice, just wait until you see the Kias.”
We deal with a lot of sketchy sales agents over in Super Department. We have to help them build accounts when they get caught manipulating the system (which happens on a minute-by-minute basis). We then have to build accounts for them because they fucked with the system. As much as I think they’re pieces of shit, I happily build accounts for them because it beats talking to that trailer trash redneck yelling into the phone with a lisp because he’s missing teeth, but that I still can’t hear because of his fucking crying kids, barking dogs, and asshole friend revving an ATV engine in the background. That’s just one example of a fine Telescreen customer.
Day in and day out, my colleagues and I have to deal with the sketchiest mother fuckers around in the sales department, lying and cheating their way to getting any type of commission. No one at Telescreen seems to care since the management appointed everyone in Super Department to help make sure sales go through. So after years of all that daily lying bullshit, I really appreciate an honest sales agent. I like a man who’s not afraid to lie, and willing to simply speak the truth.
Winston: “So they already have an account?”
Agent: “Sounds like it. Say goodbye to my sale.”
Winston: “Well have you accessed their account and told them what we need to do to get the account moved?”
In my daily job searching and periodic interviewing for better positions (such as a guy that drives around town picking up dog shit), I was reminiscing of the wonderful interview process undertaken at Telescreen Inc almost two years ago. Good thing I’ve written down every ESP interaction and Telescreen misstep since my first week on the job, or else I’d forget all the finer details. If you happen to be in a rush and want me to skip over the details, I can do that too. I’ll sum up the Telescreen interview process in two simple words: Fucking stupid. There you go, now get onto more important things like making origami animals or something.
I fatefully drove by the massive Telescreen call center one day and saw a hiring sign. I was unemployed and needed a job, simple as that. I knew it was a shitty company and the the job would probably blow, but I thought it could get me by “for the time being.” Little did I know that meant two years and counting…
That night I went online to apply, and was immediately greeted by a whole bunch of bullshit. You don’t just send them your resume, you’ve got to earn the honor to apply, or at least that’s the way it seemed. You can’t just send your resume, you’ve got to fill out pages and pages of additional information instead. That’s standard with a lot of applications, but it wasn’t a real job. I mean, it’s a fucking call center.
When a customer calls in, I assume they’re stupid. I know it’s not right to judge, but I’ve done the research. I’ve spoken to thousands upon thousands of extremely stupid dumb assholes, so by now, my assumptions can be treated as facts.
Some of these dipshits simply don’t want to admit they’re stupid. It’s the ones that refute their lack of intelligence the most that end up being, well, the stupidest. Usually they argue and accuse me of implying they’re stupid (which I do) or thinking they’re stupid (which I do).
Yet only one man was brave enough to provide me with the proper credentials to prove his intelligence:
Winston: “Well sir, I’ve looked at your bill and everything seems correct. I’m still showing you owe $75.68.”
Customer: “Let me ask you a question. Do you understand who you’re talking to right now?”