Welcome To ESP, your portal for everything stupid. My name is Winston and I work at a call center for a large media company known as Telescreen Inc. Each day, I am baffled by the sheer stupidity of the population. This blog includes my stories, diatribes, and analysis from my daily encounters with idiots. So join me as I slip into the realm of extremely stupid people...
You really have to appreciate an honest person these days.
The chances I believe a sob story from some Angry Asshole or any other ESP is about 5%. When I first started at Telescreen, I was young, naive, and ready to solve problems. You just lost your house? Of course I’ll cancel your account. You paid your bill even though we don’t show it was received? No problem, I’ll credit everything myself.
Then what happened was I wised up. Management was on my ass for breaking protocol. The customers were saying things that just didn’t add up. They didn’t want a solution, they just wanted to tell a dumb fucking story to get their way. So I realized I was going to call a bullshitter a bullshitter and wouldn’t believe a damn thing. That whole process happened in about an hour by the way.
Since I know 95% of the ESP customers are lying about something, I really enjoy calling them out on their lies. They claim they made a payment, so we call their bank and confirm they didn’t. They claim they sent back their receiver box, but we track it on the postal service website and see it hasn’t been sent. It’s a nice way of calling “bullshit” without actually saying “bullshit,” which is frowned upon in a call center.
One customer wasn’t just a bullshitter, she was a liar. Like a pathological liar. I don’t think she could’ve told the fucking truth if she tried. So I had no choice but to call “bullshit” every five fucking seconds. I’d say it was great to be right, but when dealing with an ESP, you’re always right. Unfortunately, the more wrong they are, the more pissed off they get.
I think the politically correct term is “disabled.”
An extremely stupid person doesn’t listen too well. It’s like stupidity blocks a portion of their hearing or something. This is nothing new, because most ESP’s get all worked up over some dumb shit that can easily be solved. The problem lies in the fact that they don’t understand rationale, mainly because they aren’t listening to any solutions. Come to think of it, they don’t understand much of anything at all, because they’re fucking stupid.
There was one guy who was particularly stupid deaf. I like that term, “stupid deaf,” has a nice ring to it. Anyway, his story isn’t particularly stupid, nor is it particularly hilarious. Yet for some reason, it’s been spread around the call center, and fellow employees as well as supervisors enjoy asking me about it. If they only knew how to Google “Extremely Stupid People,” they would have way more than one ESP story!
Customer: “So why don’t you tell me about this here rebate y’all sent me.”
Winston: “So you purchased the receiver box at full price, this is the $100 off the salesman told you about when you purchased your service a couple of months ago.”
Customer: “Yeah, but where the Hell’s my money? Y’all gave me this dumb card.”
Winston: “Correct, the money is on there. It’s a prepaid debit card with $100. It will spend just like cash.”
Customer: “Um, no, it won’t. Ain’t no way in Hell I’m opening up a card in my name. I’m watching my credit score.”
Words alone can’t even begin to explain what’s wrong with this man.
Because Telescreen caters to the “rural” individuals, the channels they provide are Redneck by nature. You can’t miss shows featuring country music, truck driving, Conservative politics, fishing, guns, Nascar, and all that other worthless stupid shit Rednecks love. Side-note: Why in fucks name do they love Nascar? I mean, it’s just a bunch of assholes driving in circles. What the fuck?
Anyway, Telescreen released a new package called “The Heart of America” package for those individuals in the American Heartland or some shit like that. Translation: all of your Redneck channels in one convenient location. It has the fishing channel, the stupid fucking car racing channel, the shitty country music channel, I mean, all the dumb shit. Because Rednecks are so poor, they made it available for the low price of $5 per month. You would think this would be Redneck’s dream, but no no, they still can’t quite handle it.
Winston: “If you’re wanting the fishing channel, I’d recommend The Heart of America package. It has tons of great stuff.”
You can see my salesman skills at work. By “great stuff” I mean stupid pointless shit that Rednecks love, like Glenn Beck.
Customer: “Now what else is gonna come with this ‘Merica package?”
“I don’t care if you have a credit card, I’m not selling you 100 pounds of dog food.”
I’ve noticed that I help ESP customers with more than just their TV service. I mean, I help them with life in general. ESP’s need a little more assistance with pretty much everything. Like walking ten feet, eating a bowl of Wheaties, or simply using a credit card.
Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but the credit card is still saying ‘declined’ in our system.”
Customer: “Well Hell, it’s brand spankin’ new, I have no idea why it won’t work.”
Winston: “Have you used it yet?”
Customer: “Well, no. I told ya, it’s brand new.”
Winston: “That might be the problem.”
Customer: “What, do I have to do something with a new card?”
Winston: “Yes, you have to activate it.”
Customer: “Activate it? I have to activate a credit card? How in Hell’s name do I do that?”
I won’t go into detail on how to activate a card, gentle reader. I know you’re intelligent and can figure out that the giant sticker on the card saying “Call to Activate” isn’t there for decoration.
I think it’s been pretty firmly established by now that Rednecks encompass a large portion of the Telescreen customer base. Hey, they cater to the “rural individuals,” and the agents get to reap the, um, rewards.
The customers aren’t the only “rural individuals” we get to deal with in Super Department. A few of the call centers are down in Texas and South Carolina. We talk to a ton of agents hailing from The South or Texas (since Texas is kind of a country unto itself). Because they’re usually pretty tolerable, I like to leave my fellow agents alone on the blog. They’re suffering just like me and don’t usually deserve to be ridiculed. Sure I have a whole category called “Perplexed Employees,” but for the most part, agents are a far cry from most of the raging lunatics we talk to. So I go by the mantra to just let a Redneck be. Kind of like when you see a rattlesnake in the woods. It won’t bite you as long as you leave it the fuck alone. So when I drive past a trailer park, I let the residents be, instead of pulling in and yelling, “Ronald Reagan is a piece of shit!”
If the supervisors at Telescreen weren’t such a bunch of fucking Nazis, we would probably be allowed to listen to some tunes while rotting away in our evil cubicles of doom. Sadly, they insist that all of our cell phones be put away, and of course we can’t access Pandora or anything on our ancient shithole computers. Instead, we are stuck listening to the sweet sounds of toothless Rednecks trying to count beyond ten. For the record, they generally can’t.
Agents from other sales affiliates aren’t prone to the same strict protocol, since they don’t work in a fucking sweatshop like us Telescreen employees. Occasionally we can hear music in the background when they call in. One agent in particular was not so discreet with her music choices or the volume.
Winston: “Thanks for calling Super Department, this is Winston, how may I help you?”
I immediately hear music blasting in the background.
Agent: “Hey Winston, can you help me build an account? I’m getting an error with the credit card.”
Winston: “Not a problem, let me bring up the account here, one second…”
As I was bringing the account up on my screen and no one was talking, I finally caught what song she was listening to.
Music: “Fat bottom girls, you make the rocking world go round…”
“Calm down Grandma. Those kids definitely didn’t walk through your petunias.”
When Telescreen customers don’t pay their bills, Telescreen turns off their service. When customers think TV is too fucking important, they have a shit fit when they can’t watch something worthless like “Dancing With The Stars.” When they can’t watch worthless programming, they call customer service to bitch and complain. When customer service tells them they should pay their fucking bill, they lose their shit and end up talking to Super Department. When customers get to Super Department, they try to give bullshit excuses as to why they didn’t pay their bill in hopes of getting their service turned for free. When I get a bullshit excuse, I laugh and then post about it unbeknownst to the customer on this blog.
Customer: “Man, you gotta get my service back on, I ain’t going nowhere ’til you do.”
Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but the service was shutoff due to nonpayment. I can’t restore services until the $46.77 is collected. I’m happy to take that payment for you over the phone.”
Then there was a long pause followed by a deep sigh.
Customer: “Listen man, I had some stuff happen to me, aight? I got shot. You hear that man, I got shot!”
If you’ve ever seen The Big Lebowski, you know that John Goodman’s character Walter loved bringing up his experiences in Vietnam. We now know that his buddies died lying face down in the muck, but most of the characters in the movie didn’t want to hear any of that. Similarly, I don’t want to hear about some Redneck asshole’s experiences in Iraq. That won’t stop them from telling me all about it though.
Winston: “Well sir, last summer the services were shut off due to non payment.”
Customer: “I already told you I wasn’t home. I was out of the country!”
Winston: “That may be, but since the account was still active, the charges continued to accrue on the account.”
Customer: “Let me ask you something. Have you ever heard of Iraq?”
No, I guess I slept through Geography 101 and have never watched the news in my entire life.
Winston: “Yes sir I have, but we need to get back to the matter at hand…”
Customer: “Last summer, I was in Iraq. Fighting in Operation Iraqi Freedom. I was fighting for democracy. For your freedom. For your neighbor’s.”