Gary thought the best marketing plan was intimidation. Brian thought the balding mullet look was a good idea. Both men were wrong.
In a recent effort to help my fellow man with some fine tips on how to manipulating customer service, I noticed there hasn’t been much crazy shit on ESP for awhile. I decided it was time to quit pussyfooting around and post a real ESP story. Ah, finally I can use my new favorite word: pussyfoot.
I’ve been threatened quite a bit during my tenure at Telescreen. Most of the threats are for physical violence or some sort of legal procedure. To put that in terms of stupid, dipshits say, “I’ll kick your ass,” or “I’ll sue your ass.”
Some crazy old bitch called in, all pissed off about something I didn’t give a fuck about, per the norm. Maybe she forgot to pay her bill. Maybe she couldn’t figure out how to turn on the TV. Maybe she was fucking stupid. That’s the one.
She began yelling and complaining because she couldn’t get what she wanted, and then came the threat, “I’ll sue you Winston! I’ll sue your pants off!”
Now that was an interesting threat. Extra points for creativity on that one. I’m pretty sure that was the only time someone threatened to de-pants me with the legal system. Allow me to analyze the clever threat:
One day, I’ll walk into the shithole known as Telescreen Inc, and as I make my way to my desk, my pants will fly the fuck off. Then, a lawyer will bust through a random door and run over to me. Not a real lawyer, but one of those fake strip mall lawyers. You know, the ones that have really annoying commercials with stupid tag-lines or gigantic billboards highlighting their ugly ass faces.
The balding lawyer will then yell, “I’m gonna sue you for all you’ve got you son-of-a-bitch! Haha!” All the while, I’m without pants, because they already flew off into oblivion.
I will then awkwardly walk to my cubicle, while everyone stares at the pantsless guy who conjured up a magical strip mall lawyer. As I sit down, my boss will come over and say, “Someone sued your pants off didn’t they? Happens to all of us.”
Click some of the links below for more legal and physical threats hurled at Winston!
I’m Not Suing Telescreen, I’m Suing You!
Charlie Blue Dot
Winston
I just laughed my pants off. No wait, that was my bra. And I removed it because it was sweaty. But I laughed loudly enough that my co-workers looked askance at me.
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The only way to avoid getting your “pants sued off” is by never wearing pants. Ever! You may want to invest in a good sturdy kilt….
I lol’d my pants off into oblivion at the clever analyzation.
Everyday I walk into the dark dungeon that is Super Department, I expect to have the suing-pants prophecy fulfilled.