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All posts for the month June, 2012

ESP IQ Test

Posted by Winston on June 28, 2012
Posted in: Extremely Stupid. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 4 comments

A new page is up and running called ESP IQ Test! Here it is:

Are you an ESP? I highly doubt it, gentle reader, but how about you prove it to yourself and the rest of the free world? Below you will find 10 multiple questions on a variety of topics, ranging from mathematics to Walmart. Answer each one to the best of your knowledge, just like a stupid public school standardized test. Once you’re done, note your score, X out of the quiz box, and scroll down to see if  you’re Smart, Average, or Stupid. Click “Take The Quiz” to get started!

Score Evaluation:

SMART: (100% – 90%)

Marty McFly = Awesome

AVERAGE: (89% – 70%)

The Dude Abides

STUPID: (69% – 0%)

Transvestite Donkey Witch

Winston Joins Facebook

Posted by Winston on June 27, 2012
Posted in: Job Security. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

How come Facebook doesn’t have a thumbs down for things that are stupid?

It was bound to happen. I thought ESP was technologically advanced by being on the Internet. Unfortunately, simply being on the Internet doesn’t guarantee much of anything. You have to join Facebook to be a part of the cutting edge. At least that’s what my man J-Tim told me, you know, the gay guy from the Facebook movie. No more cassette tapes, those are reserved for my 80′s Billy Joel collection (that’s actually not a joke). No more books, those are reserved for nerds and people who hate TV (like such classics as Pawn Stars). No more newspapers, those are reserved for old people (along with prune juice and informercials). From now on, ESP will be on the cusp of technology. Wait, wasn’t Facebook founded in 2004? Oh well, close enough.

The link to my kick ass Facebook page is on the right of the blog, just below the new kick ass ESP logo. Go on, click it, you know you want to.

I know there’s not much on there yet, but hey, I just started. I’ll be slowly uploading all my previous posts to the Facebook page, and every new post will automatically be uploaded there as well. You can like my Facebook page and see new posts on your news feed. You can write on the wall, send a message, or comment on posts. You can click the big bad ‘like’ button on the right of the screen. You can share posts via Facebook, Twitter, WordPress, or email. You can subscribe to ESP via email and get all my future intelligent posts tossed right into your inbox. Whew! So many choices, so little time. Rather, so much stupidity, so little time to mock.

Way to go technology, I’m damn proud. I’ll leave you with a little bit of ESP before you go:

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Master of the Custodial Arts

Posted by Winston on June 21, 2012
Posted in: Job Security, Perplexed Employees. Tagged: , , , , , , , . 2 comments

For some reason this guy thinks he’s cool because he’s a janitor.

You know your job is a piece of shit when people fight over custodial duties. No, I’m not joking, gentle reader. As always, your pal Winston tells the truth and nothing but the truth. Allow me to elaborate.

Because Telescreen is so fucking cheap, they don’t pay for enough maintenance crews around our building. Mind you, the call center is fucking huge, with over a thousand people working there, but apparently Big Brother wants to buy some more weekend hookers, so we’re stuck with the few illegal immigrants we have. Then who’s going to pick up the slack? I guess the dipshit management will just have to utilize the workers they already have to fill in on cleaning duties.  Well, let me be specific, they can only use the workers that are experiencing some downtime, which is pretty much never. Hence why the competition to join the cleanup crew is so fierce. Who wouldn’t want a nice break from a continuous onslaught of stupidity?

I found out about this “perk” by going outside one day during training, even before I started in Super Department. I walked outside with some of my coworkers and headed over to the smoking area. This is by far the most popular place in the building, next to the cafeteria which serves a plethora of fried food. This should give  you an idea of the work environment I’m dealing with.

We saw one of the veteran Super Department agents outside with a broom and dustpan, cleaning up cigarette buts. I knew from prior experience that this guy happened to be a douchebag, so I took the opportunity to ridicule him. “Hey man, congrats, I see you’re now a master of the custodial arts. I knew you could do it.” “Hey, fuck you man,” he unsurprisingly replied, “This is way better than being on the phones.”

In that moment, Douchebag Coworker was right, cleaning up cigarette butts is better than talking to extremely stupid fucking idiots. I was determined to make a career change…or just volunteer the next time “cleanup duty” was offered.

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I’m Just Not Very Good At Thinking

Posted by Winston on June 18, 2012
Posted in: Extremely Stupid. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 1 comment

“I wonder if I can wear this to work. Is this technically business casual?”

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Winston: “Do you see the premium channels on your bill?”

Customer: “The what now?”

Winston: “The $15 charge we’ve been talking about on your May bill. Do you see that charge, three lines down from the top?”

Customer: “Okay, hold on now, let me see. No, I still don’t see it.”

Winston: “Do you see anything labeled Premium Channels?”

Customer: “Um, yeah, I see that. Okay then, there it is!”

Winston: “That’s the one.”

Customer: “Sorry I’m not much help here, I’m just not very good at thinking.”

Winston: “That’s okay.”

I figured I’d agree with him on being an idiot, but you’ve got to appreciate an ESP that’s honest. Most think they’re smart for some stupid reason.

So You’re A Big Tough Guy, Huh?

Posted by Winston on June 13, 2012
Posted in: Angry Assholes, Dirty Rednecks. Tagged: , , , , , , , . 2 comments

Instead of stealing milk money, this tough guy steals homework and has it done by 8am.

There’s so much fucking testosterone on the other end of the phone during some of my conversations it’s ridiculous. All these guys like to throw around threats that promise physical harm to the call center employees. Here’s a prime example of what I’m talking about:

Winston: “Calm down sir. What exactly happened with the other agent?”

Customer: “He hung up on me! He said he was a damn supervisor, and I tried to tell him what was going on, and he just hung up the phone!”

Winston: “I apologize for that sir, that’s definitely not the type of behavior we want to see with our supervisors.”

Customer: “That son-of-a-bitch! I knew he was messing with me. I bet he wouldn’t have pulled that move if we were talking face to face. I would have showed him, god damnit! I want to talk to him again, get him on the line.”

Winston: “I can’t do that sir, but I’m happy to see what I can do to get your issue fixed.”

Customer: “That punk better hope he doesn’t come across me again, or I’ll head over there and kick his ass!”

So you’re a big tough guy, huh? I beg to differ:

A: You’re not tough, big, or strong. In fact, you are actually a fat ass. Fashion Tip: The wife-beater you’re wearing doesn’t flatter your flabby arms, tubby. Time for a physical workout instead of the verbal workout you give everyone by yelling and complaining. Jog for two minutes and we’ll see how well you can yell and complain. “Fu-huff huff-ck Y-huff-ou!”

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Winston Gets A Raise

Posted by Winston on June 6, 2012
Posted in: Job Security, Perplexed Employees. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 1 comment

Something tells me the fake bills on the shirt are the most this guy has ever seen in his life.

I didn’t see it coming. It was a day like any other day, filled with useless fucking morons, clueless rednecks, and yelling bitches. Then a friendly message from my boss pops up on the screen, “Yearly review after your call.” Um, okay. I end the call by telling the genius that because the bill reads $35 they in fact do owe $35. The guy next to me happens to be off the phone, which is rare, so I ask him what these reviews are. “Oh, they’re just these dumb evaluations they do each year.” “Sounds stupid,” I reply, right when my boss appears at my cube. “Well, let’s see if it is,” he says. Timing was never my thing.

We go into the empty, dark, cold office in the back of the bullpen. Since no one has an office, we all go to this ugly fucking place for stupid shit like meetings and evaluations. My boss sits me down and slowly shuts the door. He pulls out a manila folder and pretends he’s in the damn CIA or something.

To me, an evaluation doesn’t mean a fucking thing. Since I’m working in the shithole known as Telescreen, I could give two fucks what they think about my performance. The fact that I haven’t jumped off the top of a tall building should be enough to warrant a high evaluation.

Performance is graded on a number system, and they measure your performance based on a score of ten, with categories such as results, customer service, initiative, blah, blah, blah. My boss goes through my performance and everything is positive. He raves that I’m one of the top employees in the department and hails my wonderful stats, because that’s all that really matters around there. I forgot to stop him and tell him how sad it is that a guy who makes a blog humiliating customers and the management at Telescreen is doing “such a great job.” The positive feedback was nothing to be proud of, it actually made me a bit ashamed. It just proves that a retarded monkey can perform my job to a high degree. Great, I have the performance level of a “special” monkey.

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