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All posts for the month March, 2012

She’s Just A Receptionist

Posted by Winston on March 26, 2012
Posted in: Angry Assholes. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 3 comments

"This next song is about picking out back-to-school clothes with your Mom. It's called 'Parents Just Don't Understand.'"

Whoa! Things sure look different around ESP. We’re now fresher than Will Smith himself (but not fresher than Jazzy Jeff.) What do you think about the new theme? Futuristic! How about the new logo with George W. Bush himself, officially the most famous ESP ever? Political! How about the new web address, espblog.com? Efficient! Or maybe extremelystupidpeople.com was already registered. Assholes!

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Some psycho gets transferred to me because she’s threatening to contact the Better Business Bureau. This happens daily. Why the fuck should I care if someone files a complaint with the BBB? Am I supposed to get fucking scared or something? All that happens is the BBB contacts Telescreen, then a team of unlucky agents a few cubes down from me gives the angry assholes whatever they want. So I don’t give a shit, these dumbasses can file all the complaints they want. Except this broad meant business. It’s not what you know, but who you know…

Winston: “I’m very sorry ma’am, but I simply can’t credit the early termination fee.”

Customer: “Oh yeah? Well you’re gonna be sorry mister. I’m going straight to the BBB; I have a friend there. That’s right, I know someone at the BBB. She’s just a receptionist, but she still works there!”

Wow. You know the receptionist. Let me give you a little round of applause. I’m sure she’ll direct your call accordingly. Next time, get some better threats. Maybe, “I know a cop, he’s just on the parking lot inspection unit, but he’ll mace the shit out of you!” Or maybe, “I know a lawyer, his office is just in a strip mall, but he’ll sue the shit out of you!” Amateur. 

Happy Birthday ESP!

Posted by Winston on March 21, 2012
Posted in: Job Security, What The Fuck?. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , . 2 comments

I'm sorry, but the cake is supposed to say, "Fat Bitch."

Hello again, gentle reader! It sure has been awhile since we’ve last talked. I have to admit, the future of ESP was looking grim. This recent hiatus is due to my debates over the future of this blog. With such low readership, it didn’t seem like all the effort was worthwhile. I think some of my reservations were due to the depressing fact that I am still employed at Telescreen after a year. As my faithful ESP copy editor MC W-Slang put it, “You should be proud you’re still alive after a year!” I guess I should be glad I haven’t jumped off a fucking bridge…yet. So I decided to dry my fucking tears and man up. I have made a great deal of effort to covertly draft and log all my encounters with idiots over the phone and the questionable business practices within Telescreen. There’s no way I can go without sharing these stories. People are just too fucking stupid to get away scot-free. So now that I’m done being a lazy son-of-a-bitch, let’s review the last year of ESP, and look ahead to the future. (Cue sci-fi music…)

The last year saw around 2,200 views of the blog. I’m not sure if that’s a lot or not, I really don’t know shit about blogging, I just write stories about stupid fucking people. Most of my visitors were from the great US and A, but apparently I did have quite a few visitors from Indonesia and Brazil. Why the fuck a bunch of people from Indonesia and Brazil enjoy reading ESP is beyond me.

ESP grew from a small contingent of subscribers that I knew personally, to a slightly larger group of 23 subscribers. As any good business operates, I would like to thank my subscribers for their loyalty. Below I have included a printable version of a Little Caesars coupon for a “Crazy Combo,” whatever the fuck that is. Good luck finding a Little Caesars. The last one I saw was in a Kmart, just to show you what quality we’re looking at here. The coupon also expires on 03/31/12, so if you don’t use it within the next 10 days, you may have to barter with the acne-covered high school student behind the counter. You are very welcome!

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