2012 is now upon us, gentle reader. Everyone rides the New Year’s resolution train for about a month, making sure to stick to their resolutions for, well, about a month. The gym is twice as crowded as normal. The self-help section of the bookstore is empty. The organic food is suddenly sparse in the grocery store.
In thinking of resolutions, I couldn’t help but make some for my extremely stupid friends:
Angry Assholes: I resolve not to get so worked up this year over things that don’t matter. This list includes television service. If my bill is four dollars more than normal, I won’t call in, demand a supervisor, and scream and curse at the poor son-of-a-bitch (Winston) on the other end of the phone. I will realize that such behavior is not generally accepted in normal society. I wouldn’t scream and yell at a librarian in the middle of the fucking library. Oh wait, I did that last week. That’s why I’m a piece of shit. Well, I guess I have my work cut out for me this year!
Irate Indians: I get extremely pissed about everything. I mean everything. I yell at every customer service rep I speak to, but since they can’t understand a fucking word I’m saying, I guess they really aren’t listening. I resolve to quit this dumbass behavior to spare the poor customer service reps on the other line. No need to add English classes to the list, I still want to spare everyone from actually understanding what I’m saying.
Clueless & Elderly: I am old and senile. I shouldn’t leave the house, talk to people, or have some fancy ass TV service. I resolve not to exert myself beyond my comprehension, which means anything more complicated than opening a jug of prune juice. That includes calling my TV service provider and asking how to turn the god damn thing on (by pressing the fucking “on” button).