The Email Collection: Volume 3

Posted by Winston on May 23, 2012
Posted in: Extremely Stupid. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

Email Tip: Don’t put a date after your username, or it will soon be outdated, dumbass2000.

Time for another edition of stupid fucking emails. At Telescreen, we’re required to gather dipshit customer’s emails. About half the time, they say they don’t have email. This is a complete lie, because everyone has fucking email. Even hobos have email; they check it in the library when they awaken from their stairway slumber.

heyoadrian@worpress.com: Sly Stalone has an email address? I thought it was oldsteroidusingasshole@wordpress.com. Rocky was a decent movie, but there’s no need to highlight it in an email. I mean, come on, Adrian looked like a dude. And Rocky looked and sounded like a caveman. These are facts.

notadoodoohead@wordpress.com: Words cannot express my frustration with the intelligence of the human race.

babymama@wordpress.com: I’m not sure why you want to advertise that you’re a single mother with three kids from three different fathers. Maury is always looking for contestants, so feel free to advertise that on daytime TV instead. “You…are the father! And so are you. And you.”

divadelicious@wordpress.com: I think I got herpes from reading that email address. You’re only a “diva” because you’re a bitch to everyone and the “delicious” portion gives me reason to believe you’re a stripper without a soul.

webedorksoutfishin@wordpress.com: Congratulations, you’re a bunch of fucking Rednecks. You love doing dumb, boring shit like fishing and watching cars driving around in circles. What’s that called? The highway? Oh wait, I meant Nascar.

I would again like to state for the record that these are in fact real email addresses, I’m not making this shit up. Never doubt the power of stupidity, gentle reader.

Everyone Thought I Was Dead

Posted by Winston on May 9, 2012
Posted in: Dirty Rednecks. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

Decorating their trailer seemed like a good idea until a bunch of assholes with bats showed up expecting candy.

When I first started at Telescreen, I would have moments of utter confusion. I would get off a call, stare perplexed at the dark, cavernous walls of our dungeon-like office, and wonder what the fuck just happened. I’d ask myself, “What the fuck?” All of that confusion lasted about a month. Now I hang up the phone as quickly as possible so I can make notes as to what the idiot just said. Here’s one such interaction:

An agent transfers a guy to me because he’s trying to get out of his cancellation fee. No big whoop, same shit we get every day. The enlightening thing was this guy was actually friendly, conversational, and really fucking weird. He begins to tell me his story, like everyone, who has some bullshit sob story prepared to convince us customer service reps to waive shit.

Customer: “Well, to tell you the truth, I’m feeling pretty good today. You see, I technically died a couple weeks ago, but then somehow, ended up in a coma. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any cool near-death experience or anything like that.”

Winston: “Oh, nice.”

What else am I supposed to say? Congratulations on not being dead?

Customer: “But the bummer of it is, the doctors say I’m going to die again, probably in the next week or so. I’m in the hospital rehab center now waiting to see what happens. So as you can see, I wasn’t really able to pay for the last two months of service since I was kinda dead and all.”

Winston: “Understandable.”

This guy is good. All I could do was anxiously wait for whatever else he was gonna pull out of his “half alive” ass. Continue Reading

My Wife Thinks I’m Stupid

Posted by Winston on May 2, 2012
Posted in: Dirty Rednecks, Extremely Stupid. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

The newlyweds then headed to the honeymoon suite at the Super 8.

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Winston: “Did you see the charge on your bank account yet?”

Customer: “No I ain’t seen it yet.”

Winston: “Well I do show the credit card payment processed on the account on 04/20.”

Customer: “See, I knew it! I was darn sure I made that payment.”

Winston: “Definitely.”

Customer: “Good! My wife thinks I’m stupid, but I keep telling her I ain’t!”

Winston: “I’m sorry.”

I didn’t really know what else to say, since I couldn’t tell him that in fact his wife was absolutely correct. He was pretty fucking stupid.

Computer Skills, Or Lack Thereof: Part 2

Posted by Winston on April 26, 2012
Posted in: Extremely Stupid. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

"No ma'am, the computer isn't broken. You're just not smart enough to figure out how to use it."

Here’s the second portion of the stories sent my way about computer skills, or lake thereof.

Customer: My keyboard isn’t working.

Help Desk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?

Customer: I’m not sure, I can’t get behind the computer.

Help Desk: Pick up the keyboard and walk ten paces back.

Customer: Okay.

Help Desk: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes.

Help Desk: That means the keyboard isn’t plugged in.

Props to this IT guy. Way to tell the fucking idiot they’re a fucking idiot without saying “fucking idiot.”

Help Desk: Your password is lower-case a as in apple, capital V as in Victor, and the number 7.

Customer: Is 7 capital or lower-case?

“Um, it’s lower-case. Make sure you put it in correctly.”

Continue Reading

Computer Skills, Or Lack Thereof: Part 1

Posted by Winston on April 12, 2012
Posted in: Extremely Stupid. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 2 comments

"Hello, tech support? Yeah, something is wrong with my computer screen."

A faithful reader sent over a collection of ESP stories reported from some long-suffering tech support reps. I’ve seen these stories floating around a few places, including the Telescreen monthly newsletter. This wonderful newsletter, by the way, isn’t handed out to employees, but instead is placed prominently on the bathroom wall. I shit you not, pardon the pun, I literally have only seen the newsletter in the crapper. So, stupid people beware: your idiocy will eventually end up in a call-center shitter. That’s motivation to work on your intelligence.

Help Desk: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one.

I hope they don’t use that answer for everything. “What type of person do you want to meet on your blind date? A white one.” Yikes.

Customer: I can’t get the disc out of the computer.

Help Desk: Have you tried pushing the eject button?

Customer: Of course!

Help Desk: Okay, well I’m going to need a few more details to help troubleshoot.

Customer: Wait, the disc is still on my desk.

Someone is on their way towards a doctorate in nuclear engineering! Or maybe someone needs to finish high school.

Continue Reading

I’m Gonna Stick It Where The Sun Don’t Shine!

Posted by Winston on April 6, 2012
Posted in: Angry Assholes, Clueless & Elderly, Extremely Stupid. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

It's true. White men really can't jump.

Now that I’m in Super Department, I don’t get the same tech support questions I used to on the “frontline.” Funny how the tier of our employees has the same nomenclature as a battlefield, isn’t it? Tech support is obviously so goddamn frustrating because people really are pathetically idiotic, but it does make for some good stories. Yesterday, some old asshole found his way to my phone needing help with his TV receiver. Nothing really exciting came out of our 45 minute conversation other than him getting pissed off that the TV wouldn’t immediately work with the snap of his wrinkly old fingers. In preparing for a new post this week, I was reminded of a good conversation from about a year ago in my tech support days…

I hate when people call in with a technical problem, but refuse to do anything to troubleshoot. My magic wand is fucking broken today, so you’re going to have to get off your sorry, worthless, excuse of an ass and do something. I had this problem with Old Asshole. He calls in yelling and bitching because his Internet is down and “no one will help him get it working.” I look at the account and see three people before me had attempted to troubleshoot, until he got too pissed off and hung up the phone. Lucky me.

Winston: “Okay sir, first you’re going to need to unplug your router from the wall.”

Customer: “I don’t want to!”

Well, fuckface, I don’t want to to talk to stupid fucking idiots everyday, but I have to pay the rent. If we never did things we didn’t want to, we would probably never leave the house. Oh wait, you’re old and senile, you actually never leave the house. Touché fucker.

Continue Reading

She’s Just A Receptionist

Posted by Winston on March 26, 2012
Posted in: Angry Assholes. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 3 comments

"This next song is about picking out back-to-school clothes with your Mom. It's called 'Parents Just Don't Understand.'"

Whoa! Things sure look different around ESP. We’re now fresher than Will Smith himself (but not fresher than Jazzy Jeff.) What do you think about the new theme? Futuristic! How about the new logo with George W. Bush himself, officially the most famous ESP ever? Political! How about the new web address, espblog.com? Efficient! Or maybe extremelystupidpeople.com was already registered. Assholes!

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Some psycho gets transferred to me because she’s threatening to contact the Better Business Bureau. This happens daily. Why the fuck should I care if someone files a complaint with the BBB? Am I supposed to get fucking scared or something? All that happens is the BBB contacts Telescreen, then a team of unlucky agents a few cubes down from me gives the angry assholes whatever they want. So I don’t give a shit, these dumbasses can file all the complaints they want. Except this broad meant business. It’s not what you know, but who you know…

Winston: “I’m very sorry ma’am, but I simply can’t credit the early termination fee.”

Customer: “Oh yeah? Well you’re gonna be sorry mister. I’m going straight to the BBB; I have a friend there. That’s right, I know someone at the BBB. She’s just a receptionist, but she still works there!”

Wow. You know the receptionist. Let me give you a little round of applause. I’m sure she’ll direct your call accordingly. Next time, get some better threats. Maybe, “I know a cop, he’s just on the parking lot inspection unit, but he’ll mace the shit out of you!” Or maybe, “I know a lawyer, his office is just in a strip mall, but he’ll sue the shit out of you!” Amateur. 

Happy Birthday ESP!

Posted by Winston on March 21, 2012
Posted in: Job Security, What The Fuck?. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , . 2 comments

I'm sorry, but the cake is supposed to say, "Fat Bitch."

Hello again, gentle reader! It sure has been awhile since we’ve last talked. I have to admit, the future of ESP was looking grim. This recent hiatus is due to my debates over the future of this blog. With such low readership, it didn’t seem like all the effort was worthwhile. I think some of my reservations were due to the depressing fact that I am still employed at Telescreen after a year. As my faithful ESP copy editor MC W-Slang put it, “You should be proud you’re still alive after a year!” I guess I should be glad I haven’t jumped off a fucking bridge…yet. So I decided to dry my fucking tears and man up. I have made a great deal of effort to covertly draft and log all my encounters with idiots over the phone and the questionable business practices within Telescreen. There’s no way I can go without sharing these stories. People are just too fucking stupid to get away scot-free. So now that I’m done being a lazy son-of-a-bitch, let’s review the last year of ESP, and look ahead to the future. (Cue sci-fi music…)

The last year saw around 2,200 views of the blog. I’m not sure if that’s a lot or not, I really don’t know shit about blogging, I just write stories about stupid fucking people. Most of my visitors were from the great US and A, but apparently I did have quite a few visitors from Indonesia and Brazil. Why the fuck a bunch of people from Indonesia and Brazil enjoy reading ESP is beyond me.

ESP grew from a small contingent of subscribers that I knew personally, to a slightly larger group of 23 subscribers. As any good business operates, I would like to thank my subscribers for their loyalty. Below I have included a printable version of a Little Caesars coupon for a “Crazy Combo,” whatever the fuck that is. Good luck finding a Little Caesars. The last one I saw was in a Kmart, just to show you what quality we’re looking at here. The coupon also expires on 03/31/12, so if you don’t use it within the next 10 days, you may have to barter with the acne-covered high school student behind the counter. You are very welcome!

Continue Reading

His Brain Don’t Work

Posted by Winston on February 28, 2012
Posted in: Dirty Rednecks, Extremely Stupid, What The Fuck?. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

"Johnny, you're dumb. You might as well give up now and head home"

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Winston: “Okay ma’am, I see the account is in your husband’s name, correct?”

Customer: “Yesir.”

Winston: “I’m going to need to speak with him directly then please.”

Customer: “No, you can’t speak to my husband, his brain don’t work.”

Winston: “Um, what exactly do you mean?”

Customer: “His brain don’t work no more. Y’all ain’t gonna get nowhere with him. Ain’t nobody do. Might as well keep talking to me. My brain still works.”

Well, I appreciate the honesty. If only all stupid people were this upfront.

The Hot Dog Eating Contest

Posted by Winston on February 21, 2012
Posted in: Job Security. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a Comment

Is that giant hot dog flipping me off?

Some companies support a healthy lifestyle by promoting outdoor activities or a discount for a fitness club membership. It’s no surprise that Telescreen doesn’t support a fucking thing that would benefit the employees. Maybe they’re worried that the costs would be too high because an insanely high percentage of the employees are obese. I’m not talking about fat, overweight, or large, I’m talking about obese. Surprisingly, I’m not trying to be an asshole, it’s just a fact. Here are some examples: The common substitute for business casual is sweatpants. Who can tell the difference between nice black pants and well ironed sweatpants? An employee in my department has a bunch of Wendy’s ads displayed in her cubicle. Quite a few of the folks here even have trouble walking and must waddle like penguins. The cafeteria features such delicacies as dirty ass fried…everything.

Someone in HR took notice of this trend and decided it would be far too difficult to help these people, so instead the company would celebrate their large lifestyle. The hot dog eating contest was born.

Emails were sent out inviting participants, warning of the date, and hyping up the excitement. Since I didn’t give two shits, nor should I have given two shits, I completely forgot about the stupid little event. I was eating lunch one day, reveling in the fact that I didn’t have to talk to idiots for 30 minutes, when I noticed some moron attempting to setup speakers. Everyone loves a good DJ, but this guy looked like he belonged in a Star Trek fan club. He got his speakers set up and started playing some crappy Top 40 music. He grabbed the mic and tried to hype up the empty atrium for the hot dog eating contest. Yeah right pal, like you’re gonna tear people away from their chicken fingers to watch some fat assholes eat. Oh how wrong I was.

Continue Reading